I was on my fever-meds and vegetating on the couch in front of the tv one day when my channel-surfing fingers got tired. I happened to stop on MTV, which was showing (not music, of course) "Room Raiders," which is sort of a dating show based on personality information gathered from a person's room.

One of the girls (a bachelorette, so to speak), was clearly an anime fan. A Witch Hunter Robin poster on her door first gave it away. It all went downhill when her costumes were revealed (including wigs), topped off by yaoi FFVIII doujinshi that was not hidden very well under the bed. This was pushed into the FuKu dimension when, later on in the show, she declares that she only dates asian guys (she's white), in addition to "cosplay" being her primary answer to the guy's asking "so what do you do for fun?"

I don't think "cosplay" should be anyone's primary answer to "What do you do for fun?" Her Bondage Barbies (yes, plural) also make her scary outside of your usual otaku realm.

Recently, I was working a preregistration table for a Large Convention in the dealers' room of a First Year Con. I had just gotten in for the day and was preparing the table when a f*cking otaku came up to the table - a small, greasy gentleman of Asian origin with pile of shit to be signed by the guests. I smile brightly (being a girl, this works amazingly well at cons) and launch into my spiel: "HI! Have you preregistered for LargeCon yet?" The guy looked somewhat superior and said "Um...*mumblemumble*"

I blinked and asked him to repeat himself. He said "Uh..I was wondering, if uh, you're going to have that rule about autographs again..." 

Now, I am not in the Guest Relations department of LargeCon, but I am fairly familar with its rules. Plural. "Which rule is that?" I ask. Foolishly. The smart section of my head was screaming to say YES because it was fairly sure that the rules would be the same. The PR part of me won out and I was nice.

"The one about one autograph per person...I mean...uh...like...I have lots of things and I am a big fan, and, uh, I want to get maybe 2 or 3 things signed at once, I mean, I guess I don't know.." He stammered and babbled a lot before I determined what he wanted. I pointed out that the rule about one autograph per person per session was there so that the guests didn't get overtired and so that everyone would have a fair chance to get things signed.

"But...uh..I'm not like going to sell them on eBay or anything..." I suddenly suspected this might be the guy that was tossed out of LargeCon 2003 on his ear for harassing the guests. But that's a story for other people to tell. I told him that while that was one consideration going into the one-per-person rule, it wasn't the only one, and reiterated my first point about fairness. 

"But this con lets me get as much signed as I want!"

Sorry, pal, this is a FUCKING SMALL CON and all the guests are con whores who have fists of steel developed by signing people's Gundam cels for hours on end, plus there are only ten people here. Including staff.

Anyways, I had to patiently explain at least FOUR times that he was, in fact, not more important than the rest of the people in line, that the guests do not have this mysterious ability to sign everything without tiring, and that if it was that important to him, he could always just GO BACK TO THE END OF THE GODDAMNED line and try again.

I think the thing that ticks me off about that sort of person is that they take advantage of the guests. If you shove three items in front of them, they will sign three items, because they won't be rude and tell you to fuck off - especially if the guest is Japanese. It's the job of the staffers to play cop to that sort of thing, and it really sucks to do it.

So don't be a fucktard. If it says ONE ITEM PER PERSON PER SESSION then it means ONE FUCKING ITEM PER SMELLY OTAKU SO SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

She bounced up to me out of nowhere, with a friend or two for support. She was wearing a pink bra and a bright blue shrug made out of a pair of fishnet tights. She tackled me and hugged me when I was not looking. This is probably the fastest way to make me Not Your Friend, so I was already ticked but trying to be gracious.

Then she recited the poem.

Mercifully, my brain protects me from the recollection of the entire thing, but it was well practiced and included the reprehensible line "Our doki-doki meter is off the scale."

And then she started babbling happily on and on about how even though she had a girlfriend, she was allowed to do anything she wanted to at a con, cause, you know, it's a *con*, and what goes on at a *con* stays at the *con*, and at this point I cut her off and said "I don't want to have sex with you." I do not remember how I made my escape.

And I swore never to dress like a j-rocker in public again. The end.

[Editor's note: For the record, my Aeris costume came from one of the participants in this sketch.]

This creepy, greasy little otaku runs up to my boyfriend and cries in a shrill voice: "How DARE you do that to all of those Aeriths!" She then proceeds to spank him on the ass three times for each Aerith he killed after the first one, as she was a "freebie" (and, incidentally, me-- I was the first on the Aeris death toll).

Now I'm generally cool with fangirls who hug, and even fangirls who glomp my boyfriend and I. As a rare pair of attractive anime fans with interests outside of cosplay, hugs, glomps, and bows, and stupid requests for pictures with various otaku are all part of the con package. But spanking my man's ass is where I draw the line!

I hope the threat of breaking her arm will make her think twice about ever doing that sort of thing again. But since she is a fuckin' otaku, I doubt it.