The Practice of Cosplay Warfare
by Chiriko

(Editor's Note: A lot of the content of this was adapted from an article I wrote 3 years ago in regards to a shockwave in the anime community regarding the cancellation of Escaflowne on FOX Kids. The shock was spurned by a post from "TV Guy" on the rec.arts.anime.misc (also known as alt.nerds.anime.fucking.otaku) USENet message boards stating "escaflowne's getting pulled...it's being replaced by NASCAR racers." In the end, it turned out to be true, since an extra half hour of commercial advertising for a show about commercial advertisements proved far too lucrative for FOX to pass up. Anyway, if any of this looks familiar, that's why.)

The practice of warfare through cosplay, banned by the Geneva convention, is a particularly twisted tradition dating back to the Japanese fashioning crude costumes out of the remains of their victims during WWII*. In modern times this gruesome practice is applied in an entirely different method only employed by organized otaku campaigns en masse: wearing costumes that are far too tight, revealing, or skimpy for the otaku's often-unappealing physique.

* I made this up.

Otaku are, quite obviously, often overweight; this in itself is not a problem, nor is the overweight anime fan's desire to engage in the cosplay enjoyed by other fans. A horrible faux paus, however, is committed when cosplayers refuse to admit that the world does not want to see them in remarkably unflattering spandex, bikini briefs, or other skimpy, otherwise sexy costumes that they have no chance of pulling off. The act of Cosplay Warfare, on the other hand, is something far more sinister -- horrible costuming for a cause.

Otaku attempts at activism are varied. At Anime Expo 1998, the hotel's night manager was repulsed by otaku conduct and retaliated, sending security to close the popular Saturday-night parties down. At Anime Expo 2000, otaku attacked a Mickey Mouse costumer who worked for the Disneyland Hotel, possibly because they mistook it for a real mouse and were trying to eat it. However, it is when the act of costuming gets involved that these campaigns become brutally successful at the cost of all human decency.

Veterans of the Sailor Moon Wars will not forget the outraged otaku who fought a crusade when the show was pulled from UPN. UPN blamed the show for low ratings in an early-morning timeslot. (Well, excuse me, UPN, but at 7:30 AM, the only people awake to watch cartoons are creepy fanboys and insomniacs who weren't incapacitated by The 700 Club. Of course, nobody watches UPN anyway. UPN shouldn't have tried to cancel Sailor Moon; little did they know the otakish horrors that would be unleashed upon them.)

Most fans of the show would have simply gone "shucks" at the cancellation of Sailor Moon, but not a small, dedicated group of creepy otaku who masturbate to sailor suits. They insisted Sailor Moon remain on TV, so that they wouldn't have to go to great lengths to get their daily fill of cute girls in short sailor skirts. They called themselves SOS - Save Our Sailors! and fostered flyers, petitions, mail campaigns, and general ways to bug UPN and DiC. And bug they did!

However, their campaign simply wasn't enough to get the TV stations to listen. Nope, this called for some dangerous, immoral otaku action. A secret society of overweight cosplayers, distraught by the cancellation of Sailor Moon, began a secret campaign (or, as the otaku who only know three words of japanese say - "HIMITSU KAMPEINU!") to cosplay in disgustingly revealing clothing (right). Their subtle protest and random death threats to DiC, combined with the unusually large spike in eye-related self-mutilation, FORCED those bigwig TV execs to listen. After all, blind people can't watch TV, and there were enough of these overweight cosplayers to cause a serious problem.

The most prolonged assault on our sensibilities continues to this very day. It began after the release of Final Fantasy VIII in 1999, when a nationwide trend known as the "Chunky Rinoa Holocaust" began. Every fangirl had to have a Rinoa costume -- especially the chunky, skanky ones who still couldn't get such a simple costume right. The holocaust, which continues to this very day, is an interesting phenomenon in cosplay warfare, as each cosplayer simultaneously lobbied for the cause of being the best. Instead of rallying behind a single cause, the selfish Rinoas were actually unleashing this war upon EACH OTHER to determine who could be the One True Rinoa! As I've already said, this battle continues to this very day; when one Rinoa sees another they engage in Rinortal Kombat to determine who has the best costume -- and also, who will survive.

The most ghastly example of cosplay warfare ever occurred in mid-2000 when the rumor began circulating that FOX was considering adding Slayers to their Saturday morning lineup. (I couldn't agree more; Slayers would be extremely popular on American television. It's a terribly inane show and has lots of breast-related jokes.) Of course, the otaku community responded with more anger; otaku are generally bitchy and anything outside their precious circle of otaku friends is considered dangerous territory for any anime. In protest to the alleged rumor that FOX was considering looking at Slayers as a new show to potentially be considered as an eventual addition to their lineup, the Secret Society of Cosplay Warfare unveiled their ultimate weapon: MEGA-AMELIA! (Left)

When reached for comment, MEGA-AMELIA had this to say: "SLAYERS GOOD SHOW FOR SUBTITLE! DUB BAD! LISA ORTIZ BAD! BRING TO TV, MAKE MEGA-AMELIA ANGRY! BLARRGHHH!!! MEGA-AMELIA ANGRY! MEGA-AMELIA SMASH!!!!!!!!!!"

Ten-thousand people were killed by Mega-Amelia's antics before she was pacified by the siren-song of Mari Iijima; she is still at large. Her mass extermination of the attendees of Ani-Magic 2000 would have put her at the top of the FBI's most wanted terrorists list had any of the attendees had family or friends who noticed they were missing. (Editor's Note: On 9/11/2001 Mega-Amelia consumed and digested several large cakes in the same country as the World Trade Center. Coincidence?) However, someone noticed those otaku were missing: FOX. Slayers was never picked up. Mega-Amelia, whose tank-like countenance saved Slayers from a fate of television syndication, had won.

The most frightening otaku retaliation of 2001 involved the butchering of Card Captor Sakura and release by Nelvana as the out of sequence, poorly-dubbed Cardcaptors. Card Captor Sakura fans worldwide reacted by unleashing a terrifying wave of fat, ugly, amazonian cosplayers with retarded costumes. Third-Grade-Retard Kero-chan and  Fat Syaoran are just two of the offenders. This campaign of hideous Sakura warfare, however, failed to reach Nelvana. They continued to release badly edited dubbed episodes of Card Captor Sakura out of order, unaware of the casualties. This was the first grand failure of cosplay warfare.

Despite the failure of the Sakura movement, otaku have rallied to new causes time and time again. The most devastating example of cosplay-warfare in 2003 was perpetrated by one perfectly engineered super-weapon: Man-Faye. (Warning: Link will cause your eyes to burst.) Guy Valentine. Faye ValentAIEEEEEEEEne. The lone, hairy-assed crusader in hotpants is unleashing retinal scarring upon the world in a display of brutal retaliation for Cartoon Network's Adult Swim pulling the wonderful Cowboy Bebop off the air after an extremely successful yearlong run. While this was done to cycle some new anime into the Adult Swim lineup, you can't convince this guy of that. His crusade to keep Bebop on TV will continue, despite the fact that he's watched it air twelve consecutive times on Cartoon Network and has the entire series on DVD. Fun Fact!: This man has more body hair than every other animal of every other species on the face of the earth combined.

Of course, otaku-cosplay warfare is not always intentional. The Ugly Ayanami Impact of Neon Genesis Evangelion is still being felt, and let's not forget, as I already mentioned, the CHUNKY RINOA HOLOCAUST that SquareSoft DENIES EVER HAPPENED. I've BEEN OUT THERE. I'VE SEEN THE HORRORS OF THE CHUNKY RINOA HOLOCAUST. I KNOW IT HAPPENED, so DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT! AUUUGHHHH!!!!! Eyes....on...Me.... GWARRRGH!

So, to wrap this all up, otaku suck. The campaigns of future cosplaying terror to be unleashed are as of yet unknown, and will vary, depending on where, when, what the anime companies do to piss them off, and, most importantly, how fast they can get the costume ready for con season. Until then, I'm off to Dick Cheney's Secret Bunker™ until the world is either purged of cosplay warriors or destroyed by them.

~Chiriko