Cruel Angel's Thesis: Evangelion is a Piece of Crap
~by Chiriko

Surely you've heard of Eva. If you know anyone who has ever watched any anime ever, they've probably seen Neon Genesis Evangelion. Hell, maybe it was the first anime you ever saw, when some crazy friend tried to convince you it was cool. Sure, at some point you might've even liked it -- most of us at some point would confess that we enjoyed the show at least somewhat, until... well, you'll see. All the anime newbies are usually about halfway through the series by their first convention, after all. And the Second and Third Impacts of the show are certainly felt through the anime community, from overweight cosplayers in spandex Ayanami plugsuits to Rin's use of the term "Hedgehog's Dilemma" to my telling all of you that Rin has her own AT-Field.

For those unfamiliar with this abomination (and I suggest you stop reading, since most of this will really not make any sense at all), Neon Genesis Evanglion is set in 2015, which is 15 years after the "Second Impact" destroyed Antarctica, flooded the world, and killed a good chunk of humanity. The story centers around a 14 year old boy named Shinji Ikari whose estranged father, Gendou, is the director of some shadowy organization called NERV which is centered around fighting mysterious beings known as Angels to prevent the destruction of all life on Earth through a nefarious Third Impact. As far as the general public is concerned, the Second Impact was created by a meteorite that hit the South Pole, but the people at NERV know the truth -- hell, they caused it. As the series go on increasingly fucked up things come to light in a manner that keeps you glued to the edge of your seat until you stop giving a shit. Shinji is, for the duration of the series, a selfish, whiny, angsty fucktard whose actions endanger and eventually result in the death of every character in the series. This is about the point where I start hating the series. =p Shinji hates his dad for using him (and also hates him for the death of his mother) but basically lets it happen, occasionally running away or doing some other stupid whiny shit.

The secondary characters are appealing and incredibly fucked up. Gendou Ikari is just using his son and everyone else as pawns in some completely demented bid to become God so he can see his dead wife again. Misato Katsuragi, who acts as Shinji's guardian, is traumatized about the death of her father and had plenty of other problems aside from that. Ritsuko Akagi, a brilliant technician at NERV, had issues with her own mother (who had an affair with Gendou and is now dead) and immerses herself in her work. Rei Ayanami, another child pilot and favorite of otaku everywhere, is a timid, emotionless rag doll created (as we find out in the end of the series) in a weird-ass experiment where she was fused with angel DNA and that of Yui Ikari, Shinji's dead mother. Asuka Langley Soryuu, the other child pilot, is a hypersexual bitch with issues of abandonment about her crazy dead mother. Fuyutsuki had a crush on his former student Yui, Shinji's dead mother. See the pattern here?

It would seem almost impossible to denounce Eva as a total piece of shit. After all, from the beginning the story is interesting and intriguing, the battle scenes are impressive (albeit a bit gross), the animation is top-notch stuff from the acclaimed studio GAINAX. The music (by Shirou Sagisu) is appealingly old-school, invoking memories of a lot of fun 60s and 70s-era action TV shows. The dialogue is cryptically cool, psuedo-poetic (Hedgehog's Dilemma -- you're lonely but afraid that you'll hurt others that you touch), and good at drawing you in. And plus, all the hype and love of the show and crazy eva-loving otaku have got to be right about something, right?

The genre of the show quickly turns from sci-fi action to utter mindfuck, but that's okay; hey, some of the best anime mindfucks around have been lots of fun, from Serial Experiments: Lain (by the way, boo to lolicon fans who keep ruining that show for me) to Boogiepop Phantom. Even Cowboy Bebop had its mindfuck episode Pierrot le Fou, right? So there's nothing wrong with a little mind-fuck now and then.

In fact, checking synopses to refresh my memory brings back some fond memories of Evangelion, such as the Hedgehog's Dilemma, the powerful ending of the episode in which Shinji has to fight against his friend Touji, trapped in an Eva gone awry, or those bitching flashbacks Misato has of her father dying in the Second Impact. Hell, even the Kaworu episode is pretty good, but by then the series is lost on me. I can't pinpoint an exact episode where it goes from "whoa" to "WTF?" but I'd have to say it's probably somewhere around the part where Shinji's Unit-01 "awakens" and eats an angel. Pretty gross, and after that it's just downhill from there.

Things just keep getting worse and worse. Misato's romantic interest and the closest thing to a real father-figure Shinji has, Kaji, turns out to be a spy in an episode where a lot of the truth is revealed. Unfortunately, the episode ends with her killing him (possibly -- the show doesn't exactly show it happen, but for the love of god, who else would Misato mysteriously have to shoot at the moment Kaji dies? =P And if you write me to debate this point like thousands of other fucking otaku, I will post your letter and mock you!), then she goes home and listens to an answering machine message from him and sobs uncontrollably. After that Misato is spurned to find the truth out about SEELE and NERV, the mysterious shadow organizations. Rei Ayanami destroys Eva Unit 00 (which was possibly filled with the rage-filled soul of Naoko Akagi, Ritsuko's mother; hey, we learn that the Eva units need delicious immortal souls to fuse correctly, and Gendou cleverly showed Rei off to Naoko so she'd kill Rei's first vessel body and then go insane and commit suicide!) and herself, and also vaporizes Tokyo-03 and all Shinji's friends in the process. Suddenly, Rei mysteriously reappears, prompting Ritsuko to unveil the truth -- that Rei was created in a laboratory and has tons and tons of duplicate body vessels in case she dies (which Ritsuko then destroys). In a bid to yaoi fans everywhere, the mysterious Fifth Child Kaworu shows up, befriends Shinji, and does some, let's say, unusual things that we can assume make Shinji question his sexuality. In other words, Shinji falls in love with his unusual new friend because they have such a deep connection. Now, usually something where the main character's sexuality comes into question would be thought-provoking, even poetic; not here, though. It's just a bit more mind-fuck fanservice and stupidity. Oh yeah, Kaworu turns out to be an Angel and Shinji has to decapitate him. Then Asuka gets mind-raped by an angel and goes into a coma. And just when all seems lost -- THE SERIES ENDS WITHOUT ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS!!!

Yup, I'm serious: the last two TV episodes are the Third Impact from Shinji's point of view. Still pictures, mind-fuck imagery, sketches, and the occasional animated or still clip from "reality" -- which includes an alternate reality that doesn't exist -- are haphazardly compiled to create the last two episodes. Especially odd are the quick scenes of the dead bodies of all your favorite characters. Even the otaku were pissed about this one; how can you pose all these questions and then not answer them? The answer, despite what some otaku claim was an ultimate plan to show through movies how it ended, is simple laziness: Director Hideaki Anno did not meet the deadline. He is a hack. More on him later. Indeed, the show DID become two movies: Death (which consisted of stupid recap clips from the TV series) and Rebirth (which answered the questions) and Rebirth also became the "real" last two episodes on OVA (direct-to-video release). And while it certainly answered the questions, the end result was a completely fucked-up, infuriatingly half-assed end to a story which, despite it's obnoxious fanservice and shameless mind-fucking, had built quite a bit of momentum up.

Now, onto the "real" ending. It starts off with one of the most fucked up, unnecessary, and inherently wrong scenes I've ever seen in an anime (tentacle rape included in that statement). Shinji is standing over Asuka, in a coma, whining selfishly about how he needs her. It's all about Shinji and his selfish crap, after all. Well, he shakes her violently because she won't wake up and he's a pussy, and her gown comes open and out pop her breasts. Instead of being the usual fanservicey crap where Shinji pretends to be embarrassed, you hear some gasping and panting by Shinji, and then you see his CUM-FILLED HAND!!! He utters "I'm the lowest of the low," to himself and I can't help but agree. "Masturbating to comatose girls" is not high on the list of things you'd expect your hero to do, but hey, Shinji is tortured internally! Nope, I don't buy it. I have no sympathy for the pointlessly angsting, coma-girl-eroticizing little bastard. But my hatred of Shinji hasn't fully developed yet, nor has yours. To make sure we hate his guts, the little asshole then whines as NERV comes under attack from SEELE and the UN's special forces as it becomes apparent that Gendou is trying to actually CAUSE the Third Impact (well, so was SEELE, but don't double-cross them)! Everyone at NERV is murdered in some really disgusting massacre scenes (imagine Nobel-laureate Physicists, lab assistants, and day-job technicians being killed by Navy SEALS for some idea of what this part is like) but so far our familiar characters are all still alive. Asuka, in comatose state, is moved to Unit 02 at the bottom of the lake where Tokyo-03 used to be. Shinji is nowhere to be found because he's hiding in a corner sobbing "Help me, Asuka!" like a little bitch. Misato (who has since found out all of the truth about everything, but it's too little, too late) goes to get him, SAVES HIS LIFE when the special forces are about to blow his fucking brains out, and then has to DRAG THE LITTLE BRAT to where he'll be safe. In the process of dragging the stubborn little bastard around Misato gets the shit shot out of her by the special forces, and gives Shinji a passionate adult kiss before throwing him in an elevator to Unit-01. Yeah, as if she couldn't just lay on the floor dying, she then EXPLODES so we know she's dead.

But that's not enough for Shinji. He's not satisfied with Misato dying for him, after all, so he sits and bitches some more until Asuka wakes up, realizing that the soul of her mother has actually been implanted in Eva Unit-02. Well, nothing can stop her now! She gets up and eradicates the heavy-artillery special forces, so SEELE sends in Eva units 05-13 or whatever using the Kaworu dummy-plug system. These advanced and monstrous white Evangelion units get their asses kicked by Asuka with her 3 minutes of battery life remaining, because she's a little ball of rage and her mommy's watching over her. As Shinji sits whining like a complete pussy bitch Asuka rips the damn things apart and then, as her batteries run out, they all come back to life and DEVOUR HER AND HER EVA. She dies the most horrifying death imaginable because Shinji is a pussy. Now two central characters, not to mention all the nameless staff of NERV who are now piles of meat, have died because Shinji is a total bitch. Well, when Asuka is ripped apart and devoured by the other Eva units he gets his shit together and activates. He rockets out and, instead of fighting them, calls the Lance of Longinus back from the moon or whatever (yeah, I didn't recap that stupid episode yet) and MERGES WITH THE EVIL EVAS TO START THE THIRD IMPACT! Way to go there, champ! Played by your father like a little bitch to the very end! 

(Edit: Some loser wrote me to complain that I was unfair on this "crucial moment" in the series. It is true that Ayanami actually triggers the Third Impact by merging with Lilith (below) and Shinji's merging with the Evil Evas just allows him to decide the fate of the world. Way to go, you worthless otaku; you totally proved me wrong about how the series sucks with that one minute detail.)

Meanwhile, Ritsuko confronts Gendou and Ayanami in front of Lilith (I didn't bother recapping that either; go find a summary that cares about the series) to destroy them and the MAGI supercomputers. But the MAGI, designed by her mother, fails her, as her mom chooses the fucked up guy she loves over her daughter. So Gendou pulls out a gun and kills Ritsuko. Let's recap so far: Misato - Dead. Ritsuko - Dead. Asuka - Literally, meat being digested. All because Shinji is a stupid worthless cunt. Well, the only interesting thing Ayanami does in the series happens next, when Gendou puts his arm in her womb as she's deteriorating into some creepy arm-falling-off pile of goo. She snaps her skin shut on his arm and tells him she's not his doll, then she proceeds to merge with Lilith and whathave you, basically denying Gendou a chance to be God. As the Egg of Lilith and whatever monstrosity Unit-01 and Shinji have become merge, everyone on earth explodes into a pile of goo. And we get to see it happen, too, including the 3 NERV Liutenants we are familiar with who aren't dead yet. Okay, so they're turning into LCL, the fluid of Lilith's womb, the primordial ooze from which humanity was born. Whatever. From there on out, Shinji has a choice to make about whether humanity will continue or end. Shinji apparently chooses not to merge all of humanity, and Eva Unit-01 floats off in space endlessly. The entire damn thing ends with Shinji and Asuka (who is bandaged like Ayanami was in the first episode) lying on a beach surrounded by a sea of the goop that was once humanity. Shinji gets up, leans over Asuka, the girl he loves, and he strangles her (to death?). She reaches up, holds his face, smiles, and he stops choking her as her arm falls. Did the new Adam just kill Eve? Is that reality or was that Shinji's ideal world from the confines of his head floating through space in the Eva unit for eternity? What the fuck just happened? All of these questions will never, ever be answered. The End.

Essentially, director Hideaki Anno claims this show was a mirror of his own struggles through depression, and the otaku buy it as legitimate. However, most sources will attest to the fact that in reality, Anno is a lazy procrastinating fuck who simply refuses to make his deadlines. Out of his utter half-assed approach was born The End of Evangelion, and his opus still failed to answer its own questions. No, it's not the kind of good mind-fuck show that actually makes you think about things; it's the bad kind, the one where everyone dies and you STILL can't figure out why. And the most obnoxious thing about all of it is that otaku worldwide bought this pretentious, psuedo-intellectual tripe, and the bought it hook, line, and sinker. Hideaki Anno is a genius in that he did far less work and put far less thought into his opus than he should have, and still managed to convince otaku he was a friggin' genius. We know better, though; the guy's a fuckin' otaku! And if The End of Evangelion is really a reflection his psyche and we're the ones who are full of shit, Anno should be euthanized. He poses a threat to himself and to others.

The fanservice is terrible, too; hell, the trailers even PROMISE more fanservice between episodes! Anno uses every opportunity available to show Shinji acting like a little nerd and being gratuitously and unrealistically rubbed up against by the weirdo girls in this show. Unlike other fanservice shows, though, these sluts all have incredibly insane issues plaguing their fucked-up skulls, proving that he can't even create idealized fanservice women without expressing misogynistic hatred and a twisted web of internal contradictions. Lots of KUH-RAAAA-ZY gusts of wind showing off Asuka's apparently panty-free underskirt to Shinji and his nerd friends, walking-in-on-Ayanami-in-the-shower scenes, and inane "thermal expansion" swimsuit jokes just don't work so well when the girls you are objectifying are also being portrayed as horribly conflicted, troubled sociopaths. In fact, I'd go as far to say that were it not for the disgusting fanservice and the otaku worship of Ayanami, the show might be downright tolerable. But that stuff is there, and it's there to stay. And so are the obnoxious Ayanami costumers, and the super-heavy otaku who will argue for hours that Evangelion was a profound and well-thought-out series, tantamount to an entirely new interpretation of religion.

Say it with me, now: Anime != (isnotequalto) Religion! It's a fucking show about a worthless, sexually confused little bastard who is responsible for the deaths of everyone he cares about, animated by a man who's a lazy, procrastinating hack, NOT A VISIONARY. Rei Ayanami is not a blank palette of a dream girl for you to draw whatever personality you'd like onto; she's barely even a plot device. Shinji Ikari is not the innocent, sweet victim caught in the crossfire of a pointless situation he had nothing to do with; he's a fucking prick who ALLOWS himself to be played like a chess piece by his father, NERV, SEELE, Misato, Kaji, Asuka, Rei, Kaworu, oh, hell, everyone in the fucking series plays Shinji at one point or another. He's spineless.

And yeah, fangirls: Shinji is spineless! I'll say it again! Just because he's Kaworu's bitch doesn't mean there's anything sensitive about his obnoxious, angsty, irresponsible selfish ass. I know you'd like to see the cute sketches of him getting it up the ass from the cute sketches of Kaworu, and, hey, whatever, have fun with that... but it's really no reason to try and assign a redeeming personality to this little brat.

Shinji, incidentally, is voiced by Megumi Oogata, another seiyuu that fangirls just LOVE for her voicing of both Shinji and Sailor Uranus from Sailor Moon. Most of the members of Sailor JAMboree list Megumi Oogata as their idol; wow. If there ever was a posterchild voice-actress for gender-confusion...

And while I'm bitching about the voice actressess, Rei Ayanami has got to be the easiest role Megumi Hayashibara has ever played in her life! Fuckin' otaku! She didn't have to act in it at all; all she needed to do was speak in a monotone! However, the Hayashibara influence is felt the worst in the (MANY) Ayanami-sung versions of the ending theme, "Fly Me to the Moon." (They had to ruin a jazz standard, too.) The seiyuu-sung versions of this song are by far the worst music ever unleashed on the world by way of Anime themes... and there have got to be at least 20 versions of the song used, too, many of which feature Hayashibara, but some of which feature the amelodic whining of Asuka and Misato's seiyuu. Ugh.

Onto the music of the series. The soundtrack is interesting, rather catchy, actually, and the theme songs and image songs from the albums are kinda cool. Yes, I'll admit it; the opening theme is a good song. However, it's been ruined for most everyone by being constantly bombarded with it at conventions and open-mic karaoke. Find another song, you goddamn fucking otaku!

I believe I've run out of things to say in regards to Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's not that there isn't any more to bitch about, but essentially, here's one show with a potentially impressive story that has been utterly ruined both by the idiocy that created it and the fandom that surrounds it. For shame.

For a more accurate summary of the series (man, good luck sorting all that shit out), I found this page to be extremely helpful in reminding me a lot of the details of this show.