Yiffin' Furries!
A beginner's guide to Kemotaku
~by SkaDemon

Anime lends itself to many different genres and allows its widespread acceptance to touch each and every one of us. Whether it's appealing to the nekki-basaristic NICE GUYS who don't have a shot at women, big robots to overcompensate for small genitalia, or the good old fashion "no don't put that there" censor-avoiding tentacle monster, anime draws fetishes out of even the most resistant otaku. However, there is one fetish that is not strictly anime-based, yet tends to otaku desires with a wink and a grin. This occurrence is usually referred to in American literature as the "Furry" epidemic, and while it is not strictly an anime thing, it does take advantage of what anime has to offer.

A "Furry" in its most base definition is a funny animal taken seriously. Most people who enjoy furries reference Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny as their first Furry encounter, showing it is less about art and more about strange animals. However, furries don't exist in real life, so the only place to truly accept and revel in their love for animals is in animation, where time and space is suspended for that one nice piece of tail to laugh and giggle and give you that "come hither" look. This is where Anime comes into play for the Furry, as there is no more acceptable forum to express your fantasmical imagi-nation for the greater good of a fetish.

Now, that's the basic meaning of the word Furry. However, it means much more than that, as it describes an entire subculture of artwork. Furthermore, please do not confuse Furry with a Furry-Lover. Yeah, there's a difference. Furry-Lovers are the people who enjoy Furry Art. These people are the BETTER of the two terms. Why? Furry, when used as a noun or adjective, is denoting someone who actually believes they are an animal in some way, shape, or form. They're the ones who consider having plastic surgery to get ears and a tail, or whatever. They run around on their forums and explain how they were a cat in a past life or just like fucking their own dog(!!). To quote an undisclosed source when asked about furries:

"I'm a Nazi. I'm a Furry. Same thing."

And actually it is, all things considered. Furries commonly feel superior to the "Hume" (Non-Furries) and lash out when confronted about their beliefs. Not a year goes by, NOT A YEAR that there isn't an innocent Hume vore'ing. Or at least, guys breaking into the zoo to be vored by a snake. You'd know these kinds of things if you'd watch CSI. (Subliminal advertisement: WATCH CSI ON CHANNEL WHATEVERITIS AT WHATEVERTIMEITSON!!!)

Speaking of Vore, what does that word mean? This is a subfetish of the Furry culture, involving the eating of animals and humans for sexual enjoyment. In other words, people draw pictures of animals eating each other, or write slash about Goldilocks getting eaten by a Bear, and whack off to it.

Another term to learn is "Yiff." This started as the sound Furries would make when they were horny, but became just a whole thing for sex. So if you're out on the street and you hear some guy say to you "I'd like to Yiff that Tail right there" cover your ass and run. You'll have to run pretty hard, though, to outrun a cheetah...

Have I mentioned the Furry community is primarily male? Most of which are gay males too, as the whole idea of Furrydom and FurSuiting was first conceived at a homosexual convention as an experiment into openness. I am not shitting you, and I'm not crackin' wise at gays. Honestly, it was brought up that way and grew from there... So don't think I'm dissin' on the gay community. I'm dissing the (totally-unrelated-yet-predominantly-gay-no-matter-how-much-I-want-to-prove-otherwise) FURRY COMMUNITY.

This brings up a new subject, though: FurSuiting. Fursuiting is basically dressing up like an animal. Whether it's some Disneyland cast member whackin' off in their Mickey Mouse suit (Well, it couldn't be, since Mickey is always played by females cause he's suppose to be short. Some typecasting, huh?) or a guy dressed up as a catgirl (OMG IT HAPPENS), it's basically the idea that it's what they would look like if they were really an animal. but they're not. so they just fuck in them. Sounds a lot like Cosplay, huh? See the similarities growing?

As Mr.Poppinfresh said on www.waterlogged.waterthread.org:

"Furrydom is, in fact, a giant ego-protecting lie, designed to allow fat, ugly men to have sex with pale, skinny, ugly boys under the pretense that they prefer to do so with people dressed like farm animals."

No truer words have ever been spoken.

There's two other terms I'd like to touch on, the first being a Plushophile. Yeah, that's right. A person who fucks their plush dolls. It's a phenomenon that is quite normally seen in Furrydom, though many claim it's "a very small portion of the furry community"... Riiiiight. The second is the naughty B-word. Bestiality. Yeah, they also say "a very small portion of the furry community." I say if it walks like a duck, it talks like a duck, and you fuck it? Bastards. @_@ Don't harass your pets!

Now, to talk about Anime. Hey, isn't this site about, well, Fuckin' Otaku? Why are you bitching about furries? Oh, what a good question. I couldn't have asked it better myself. BECAUSE IN A STATE OF NUCLEAR CRISIS RADIATION ESCAPED AND MERGED A FUCKIN' OTAKU WITH A YIFFIN FURRY! These are the furry/otaku that are predominantly influenced by Anime and the different furries displayed by it. Hence the creation by us of this blanket term for all who are Furry and Otaku:

The Kemotaku.

That's right, Kemotaku. Kemono meaning 'beast,' often applied to furry-like prawn-art, and otaku for... well, the fat slobby bastards that watch anime. You heard it first here, we coined the word! Use it in a sentence today! These are the people who insist on bastardizing every single piece of anime and forcing it to conform to their sick fetishes. Whether it's a poor innocent dog that appears in episode 4, scene 3 of whatever anime, or a catgirl that is specifically designed for fanservice, these guys pounce on it like gravy train. Please note that when delving into the realm of the kemotaku, some of the dispositions of Furrydom is discarded. The homosexual aspect? Blurry lines ensue, as most otaku can't get any kind of sex anyway, so they take what they can get, male or female -- however, they will vehemently insist that THEY'RE NOT GAY, so don't even bother. Also, due to the number of females who enjoy anime, they tend to enjoy the furry aspect as well, although they too shy away from sex since if any kemotaku even smelled a female kemotaku who wanted to get it on, it'd be like she was trying to shake hands in Japan. No sex is better than being raped by 18 different fat fur-laden men. Although for some of the femme kemotaku out there, they probably have the surface area in flab to entertain 30 otaku's "10 seconds of fun." But whatever.

My next article on the subject will chronicle some famous furries in Anime and how the kemotaku subsequently prevent me from being able to ever watch them again.

Damn you, kemotaku. Were it not for the fact that your fursuit is probably encrusted with god-knows-what, I would punch you until you bleed. However, you are very funny to laugh at, and for that I thank you.