Nice Guys Finish Last
~by Crystalbunny

You've heard it before, and you'll hear it again: "Nice guys finish last."

Let me tell you why that's horseshit and why every girl reacts so “inexplicably” venomous (and sometimes violent) to such assertions.   All you wanted was a pat on the back and some sympathy, right?  Why did your best friend/ex girlfriend/sister/mother/classmate nearly marry your brain and the back wall with the aid of a coffee table at the utterance?  Geez, no one has a heart these days…

Well, besides the fact that you're being unforgivably self-pitying and martyrish, besides the fact that you're spilling old clichés, despite the fact that it's not TRUE, there are many unspoken ramifications to the phrase which women immediately respond to.  Here are some of them.  And my response to each.

#1: "Nice guys finish last.....if I had been a bad boy and pushed hard enough I would have gotten her." Fuck you. She doesn't want you, and no matter how hard you push, that isn't going to happen. Watch some tentacle rape porn and jack yourself off in your world, but leave me alone in mine.

#2: "Nice guys finish last....if she were normal, she would have wanted a nice guy." Oh, you were too nice? Too good? She didn't recognize your true potential? She was too fucked up in the head to see a good thing when she had it?  She only wants something that's bad for her, right? Wrong. She doesn't like YOU. Take it personal. It is. She's in her right mind, and you don't fit there.

#3: "Nice guys finish last...she only wants to be friends. What a chump consolation prize that is." Because you didn't get her ass, you lost, huh? No date, no win? I don't want to be just friends? God forbid you enjoy her company, or have fun or do cool things together like nice people do. No, nice gets you good friends and cool people to hang out with and being bad gets you...what? I'm sorry?  SATISFACTION FOR YOUR THROBBING DICK AND HORMONES? Thanks for seeing her on a real level, buddy.

#4: "Nice guys finish last...I've been around the block and come up with nothing. No girl will ever love me. I'm a wasted, neglected piece of good real estate. It's all over." Despite the fact that you're, oh, I dunno, in your 20's?! >.< Get a grip! Check out how many products and cosmetics and dresses and exercise machines out there promising girls youthful bodies, energy, beauty, and no wrinkles! Look how many women lie or ignore or omit their ages. With the cap on female attractiveness set to late 20's, early 30's, why are you complaining about your “lifelong struggle” for availability when men have a much higher age of attractiveness than women? Suck it up and move on...

#5: "Nice guys finish last...it will haunt me for the rest of my single existence." Oh yeah, that's attractive. You're really pulling me in with that martyr thing. I can feel all life and hope being sucked from my veins already. *Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!*

#6: "Nice guys finish last...because I was nice to her, I became unattractive." No.  It wasn't because you were nice. It was because you're not cute. It's because you have the personality of cardboard and the humour of week old fish. It's because you're a bad dresser with horrible grades. It's because you have no direction in your life. Maybe she just doesn't like you that way. But trust me, it's not because you comforted her when she was crying, it wasn't because you brought her chicken soup when she was sick or helped her shop that one time for her mother's birthday. Those are nice things. We like nice things. But don't think nice things will get you girls. YOU are what gets girls. And she doesn't want YOU.

#7:  “Nice guys finish last… I gave EVERYTHING to her and she gave me nothing.”  See Number 3.  However, this sums up a brilliant corollary by my friend, Tanuchan.  Being nice ≠ Doormat.  Ever hear the saying: “money can’t buy love?”  Well, neither will those free tickets to Green Day you secretly paid an arm and a leg for.  Neither will shirking your dream job interview so you can hold her hand through turkey sales at Safeway.  Do you really think you’ll be worth anything to anyone (including yourself) when a liquefied backbone sends you knee deep into debt and self-loathing?  Get a grip.  And here’s a clue: if you’re doing anything that requires more return than a hug and GRATITUDE (you know, that stuff we give back when people are nice to us?) then it’s too much.  Save it for marriage.

What’s that?  Girls are just as bad?  There are some money hungry, emotionally manipulative bitches out there?  Yes, I know, but that’s a different rant.  Don’t tattle on your sister telling a scary story to explain why you’re still wetting the bed 5 years after the fact.  The problem is yours to deal with now.

Now one may assume that I’m being heartless.  You’re fresh from a break-up or a deep disappointment and this is the last thing you want to hear with your coronary organ in a smoothie machine.  I’ll cut you some slack.  Fresh heartbreak isn’t characterized by rational thought—I mean, anything involving burning, spontaneous slandering, crying fits and falls into confusion and depression is not known to show the best of your character.  Not to worry: saying stupid things like this is just part of the process.  You’ll get over it.

However, making this your mantra or adopting similar stances as a life philosophy/belief will NOT get you laid any faster. Work on yourself, be happy with your life and who you are and at least you'll be happy. Clinging and beating yourself up about your mental tally of lays is NOT attractive to prospective pea pods. And you *do* want to pea pod someday, right?

Lastly, you can try to proclaim your innocence and set the record straight for the pride of wronged men everywhere, but I’ll most likely laugh derisively, or even worse, ignore it.  Words do nothing to help in this matter.  It’s just another coat of wax on the meanings left unspoken.  If you want to change my mind, change yours and put some action behind it.  Cynics, after all, are just optimists that took it a little hard to the balls.  Unless you want to stay hunched over your virgin sack in fear for the rest of your life, breathe deep, stand tall, and you’ll be amazed with the better view.