The Road to Recovery
AKA: "How to not smell like Cheetos and Ass" OR 
"How I Stopped Smelling Like Cheetos & Got Some Ass" OR 
"How to get Cheetos and Ass"
~by Taiki

Don't take advice on "otaku" recovery from people on the FuKu boards. Unless that person was me. They haven't seen rock bottom like I have, they've only seemed to have glimpsed at it. It's like reading a book on success by Donald Trump or Bill Gates. They both were somewhat successful before they became billionaires¹. I remember reading a book by a former Enron senior management associate; it was titled, "What Upholstery to Choose on Your New Cessna While Fucking Your Employees out of Their Retirement." I got half way through before I realized it wouldn't help me determine a major.

It's been almost 5 months since the launch of Fucking Otaku, and it's been disturbing to me that while the solution should be pretty obvious, there is no real, "guide" so to speak, to rehabilitate. I'd like to think that I'm contributing something positive to the FuKu experience. Mostly because I've noticed many more stable minded people getting upset over this website. While I'd like to think that this is just a cruel joke, I'd also like to think that the otaku this site lampoons aren't that insane. But that's just not the truth².

Lemme start this off by saying, "Minmay was the worst character ever. Tak Fujiwara for life. I like the idea of Heero Yuy and Relena Peacecraft together as a couple. Your favorite anime sucks. Your favorite voice actor/actress sucks. Cosplay's a waste of time, crossplay's an affront to God's will and nature. I hate yaoi." If your blood doesn't boil from these statements and you have some sort of friends, then this guide isn't for you, and most likely FuKu isn't targeting you. You're probably a relatively mentally fine person. Or at least, a person with thier priorities straight. (Probably.)

Here's a trick I learned from L. Ron Hubbard. Concentrate on your worst memory, tell us all about it, then mail us $10,000.

Oh, that doesn't work. Damn you L. Ron! Moving on...

Phase 1: Get Your Shit Together

Now, if you did get upset, ask yourself, "Why? Why did I get upset?" Probably because you didn't enjoy the idea of someone not agreeing with you. Which is alright, that's usually the sign of a good talk radio host, but that involves having a dirty soul (Except Al Franken, Terry Gross or Alan Colmes, you guys are saints; except you Mr. Colmes, you need some balls. You can get them in the lobby gift shop). Most of you otaku don't have a dirty soul, just the sweet disposition of a six year old. So consider why they're disagreeing with you, it's because they've formed an opinion that is contrary to yours. Nothing wrong with that, yet. Just acquire the opinion, process the reason behind it, and then you judge. If the person insulted your favorite anime just because you, or multiple people like it, they're probably a huge dick. And then it's somewhat OK to be pissed at them, but don't blow up at them. Instead, not caring or some other response that shows that you're well aware of them being a huge prick and willing to move on. If they do have a real, constructive reason why they think your favorite anime/voice actor/gay slash pairing/oingo boingo record sucks, then hey, they're not a prick, accept their insight, and maybe converse with them. And oh boy! You just made a friend! Now just keep that up!

You may be thinking, "Taiki, are you trying to reprogram me?" Yes and no³. What I want you to do is realize the root of your problem. Sure, there's psychiatry or psychology, but most of you either wouldn't/won't let it work its mojo, or are too broke for it. When that fails, there's always self-examination and introspection. Many of you may not realize it, but if you can't justify it to yourself, then at least think of it this way: "It worked in Evangelion!⁴" Just take a moment every night when you've got some spare time to logically think about why you're feeling fucked up. Personally, I think a LiveJournal, some other blog, or a pen and paper diary helps to keep you on task. And with a LiveJournal (or other LJ-based online journals or other blog systems, like OpenDiary), you could use those "friends" you gained in the previous segment to get constructive feedback on your journey to self-actualization.

Oh, the depressing moments you'll go through⁵! But it'll be worth it to work through the pain. Sure, you'll probably relive those awful moments like when someone kicked you and tore the head off of your plush Misato keychain and called you a "fucking geek fag." But, again, realize they're dicks and that while you may have been a Fucking Otaku, they weren't that great to start. After awhile, you'll realize that your problems aren't entirely your fault, but don't get complacent and blame everything on everyone else. You've got to learn where to draw the line between the problems your environment caused, and you caused because of your environment. When you've come to your senses, I think it's time to move on to phase 2, hygiene.

Phase 2: Hygiene

Shower or bathe every day. Shampoo every day. Shave if you don't want to grow a beard, moustache or goatee. This is a MAJOR must and cannot be averted unless under dire circumstances. Nothing, NOTHING is more powerful or more notorious than the fanboy stench. This is the kind of stink that can peel fresh wallpaper. This is the kind of smell that Hans Blix was looking for in Iraq. In otherwords, Nasty. Fucking, FUCKING, Nasty. Not to mention dirty. The health risks involved with not cleaning oneself will not be covered here. This should be self-evident.

Clothes. Clean them. Dress like you want to, but if you've got nothing but Goku emblazoned on your chest, you might want to consider a change of wardrobe. Sturdy colored shirts that match just about any sort of denim fabric and be had in bulk at Target or Wal-mart for cheap. If you're feeling saucy, you might actually want to try clothes shopping. In that case, don't feel too proud not to take your mother. Even if she is a generation behind you, the old classics never die. Slacks with a nice shirt always impress. But just remember, polyester's dead and tight clothes are out, unless you're within your proper body weight. If you're not, then you may want to take the next section to heart.

The miracle of weight loss cannot be overstated⁶. Atkin's, South Beach, or even traditional dieting techniques are tops. The FDA is reporting that you should have carbohydrates (sugars, starches, grains and the like) at 55% of your normal daily intake. The actual average daily intake is more like 80%, and carbohydrates are what supply the body with the proper chemicals to produce body fats. So just keep to regular FDA approved levels of carbs and sugars, and you'll slim down a bit. If you're a bit husky like I am, or he is, and you want to lose some of that weight faster, then the Atkin's Diet may be more of your style. But remember, exercise is a MUST. Thirty minutes, 3 times a week at a regular pace. Even 30 minutes of Dance Dance Revolution is fine, just as long as it's over and over again, in a steady pace. Sure, you might be able to pass say, any given 8 foot Heavy/Maniac/Expert song, but if you can't do it regularly with out having to stop for air afterwards, don't. Keep a nice, steady pace, and keep your body in motion the whole time, even if it means stepping in place between songs and games.

Phase 3: Explore life!

Well, if you've followed all of my advice, you're probably happier, trimmer, and smell and look nicer. So what now? Go out there, and live life. Don't let Anime (with a capital A!) become the major core of your life. There's nothing wrong with having an intense passion, just don't let that passion get in the way of better judgement and reasoning. Also, you may want to fan out a bit. Me? I got in to paying attention to politics, who has their own brand of fanboy that would make otaku look normal (just look at the Deaniacs in Dean-nial!), but that's not to discuss now. The point is, get out there, and live life. That is, after all, the theme of many anime, is it not?

1: My first nod to Mr. Al Franken. Keep on truckin'!
2: I think Chiriko goes over the line far too often, but it's not like his otaku hatred isn't understandable. Justified? Probably not. Understandable? Yes. 
(Editor's note: "I like to think I'm 'kidding on the square,' to give another nod to Al Franken." -Chiriko)
3: My props to Roy Masters. Four decades of bullshit.
4: I think. I can't figure out the fucking ending either.
5: My second nod to Mr. Al Franken. You rock! 
6: Yes, this does blatantly contradict one of the alternative titles. But if you're underweight, bulking up on Cheetos might not be a bad idea. Despite what you may think, not all girls want stick-sized sissy boys.