Strawberry Bullshit
~by SkaDemon

Not a day goes by when any warm blooded male doesn't ask "Why didn't I get laid in the last 5 minutes?" It's a natural male tendency, and can easily be explained with some simple logic, such as "There're no girls in the vicinity," "I shouldn't have told my girlfriend about my weird habits," or the simple "omg not enough booze" that many men fall victim to.

However, there is a point of no return where a man is simply not a man anymore. He's a fuckin' otaku. And they don't rationalize with logic. Oh no, they use their commie logic on the only reality they know, which coincidentally enough ISN'T REALITY. (Note to Otaku:YES, ANIME IS FICTIONAL. DEAL WITH IT!) Losing all hope to actual reason why they will never get laid, such as hygiene, their rotund structures, lack of sexual prowess, or the fact their face looks like melted army men with creamed corn coming out of it, they fall back to these amazingly fantasmical things. From a fuckin' otaku, the reasons you may hear for not getting laid are "I'm not whiny and self-centered enough" or "Damn, women only like blue hair" or "Women like men who are aggressive, but I don't feel like raping anyone tonight and showing them how much of a dirty slut they are."

Or the most serious of these anime-inspired delusions: "Women only like other women, especially young schoolgirls."

Case in point: I my me Strawberry Eggs.

It was a hot, dark night in the annals of San Diego, where the Comic-con had closed its happy showroom floors and let loose terrors unknown to any woman, as packs of fuckin' otaku roamed the halls, looking for innocent anime to bastardize. Left with nothing more to see or hear for the night, we stumbled across a viewing schedule listing anime choices like "some crazy ecchi nurse anime," "Gundam 8513912 - Not my Gundam Hammer!" and "I My Me Strawberry Eggs." Now, it's known that whenever the word "Nurse," "Teacher," "Demon," "Anal," or "Hamtaro" is in the name of an anime, it's going to be b-rate fanservice anime. but I MY ME STRABERRY EGGS? WTFH!! We were compelled to see what the hell strawberry eggs are, and why I, my, and me should have them.

A word to the wise. never. EVER. see ANYTHING that has the words Strawberry or Eggs in it again.

I didn't even see no frickin' strawberry eggs! It was about some guy that needed some work, so he dressed up like a female schoolteacher to get a job at an "all-female teacher" school. He then through a series of progressive and borderline whorish actions to make the girls of the school more liberated, proved that women are pieces of crap and men are superior in every way. The bitchy principal tried to stop the he-she menace from destroying the school's history of tradition, but time and time again was proven that women are incompetent creatures incapable of thinking for themselves. The principal eventually became obsessed with proving this new teacher was a MAN and show that once and for all men are pigs and shall not tarnish the awesome skill of an all-female teaching force.

In the meantime, the teacher took the opportunity to meet this one VERY young girl that had every single fucked up experience in life (each one unfolding in every episode. The episodes we saw was her dealing with her parents death, her inability to be aggressive, and her lack of physical prowess. I'm sure episode 30 would be the struggle of her being born with camel toe, or episode 97's chilling revelation she's got the hiv, and somehow gave the herma-instructional technician gynasyphillherpilaids.) For example, the young girl was so willing to be accepted she took every class job there was, from cleaning out erasers to helping old people after school. His solution to her meekness? He takes away all of her jobs! Blatantly showing his poor judgement, he-she then redistributes the jobs among the classroom, and everyone hates that tramp for not doing the work anymore.

In another episode the student can't jump the hopping box hurdles thing. His solution? Put ALL the girls in little burumas (bloomers)! If you shake your ass and close your eyes, you'll finish! GAH. Fortunately, they didn't fall for that plan...until he truly shows the man's cunning to destroy the women's illusion that they know what they're doing. A sight so horrible...so terrible...

HE PUTS ONE ON HIMSELF.

AHJSKHJTA OKAY THERE IS A LINE THAT I DRAW WHERE I MUST COMPLETELY BEAT THE HELL OUT OF SOMEONE. PUTTING WOMEN IN THOSE LITTLE THINGS IS BAD ENOUGH. PUTTING A FUCKING MAN IN THEM IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY.

*ahem* From this point on, I will refer to that dumb bastard as "Mr. Buruma." Continuing on, When Mr. Buruma does put them on, his package is missing so no one can be on to his secret. (The secret: He's Japanese.) It's explained with some hackneyed plot excuse to not have a man have male anatomy, but this is one of those situations where it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER! GUY + SHORT SHORTS = NO. (The Otaku in the crowd thought otherwise, as they were in heaven... as long as they conveniently forgot IT WAS REALLY A GUY!) Anyway, the girls see him in them and the special little girl jumps the hopping box hurdle thing, and just HAVE to try them out themselves. Of course, all the male students are in heaven like an otaku watching a man in a buruma...er... with all this newly found flesh, this heartwarming tale proved once again that women should only dress how their men want.

In the last episode we saw, Mr. Buruma has the brilliant idea of having a parent-student marathon. Of course, the principal is outraged because things have never been done this way and anyone to defy her is a communist pig-dog with a schlong. I think the first thing that tipped off that Mr. Buruma was really a guy was the fact he didn't just roll over and accept what the principal had to say; and any woman that is not submissive is just not a woman. Of course, this leads to the question of the principal being so forceful. Obviously she's really a guy too and can't believe some ignorant bitch would try to be independent. But no, it turns out she's a mere woman herself when... THE SUPERINTENDENT SHOWS UP! The epitome of male chauvinistic values, he quickly smacks that bitch up and shows her women are dumb sluts who need to be taught by men how to dress, act, feel, and think. I'm pretty sure that's a direct quote from the anime in Japanese, as you know what happens when compassionate otaku that are also self-proclaimed "NICE GUYS" that "ALWAYS GET SCREWED OVER IN THE END" try to sub it... it comes out completely wrong. I'm sure they changed the subs to say "Please sleep with me; I'm really nice!" Anyway, I forget the ending, only something about one of the girl's moms putting on a buruma and showing off to her daughter that she "still has it." The little girl runs alone since her parents are dead, and ends up finishing the marathon to fall into her teacher's arms. But oh no, she doesn't just fall into Mr. Buruma's arms...

The little girl FALLS FOR MR. BURUMA! She doesn't know what it is about "hir" that makes her feel strange, but it does! Could it be she knows he's a man? OF COURSE NOT. It's because...

She likes women. (See? I had a point! And we're back to the previous topic.)

We sat through 3 utterly painful episodes of this (Episodes 3, 4, and 5 I believe. We missed 1 and 2 so were TOTALLY LOST... which is a good thing) and determined we should rather flee to the ecchi nurse video, which consisted of some girl that looks like a guy that the anime made us believe s/he was molesting this nurse. (Oh, the guy/girl was only giving her a SHOT! That dark thing was a NEEDLE! OF COURSE! FUCKIN' ANIMATOR OTAKU!)

Of course, 5 minutes of that and we decided coffee was much more important than being around 80 fuckin' otaku guffawing at some sort of masturbatory-nurse reference.

Two prime examples about what causes men to fall into this trap. They portray ideas that women only like women, dressing up like a girl will get you mad young chicks, and when in doubt, rape her (even if only with a big needle).

The poor saps in the I My Me Strawberry Eggs room had already been lost. One man sitting down the row from us, leaning back in his long black trenchcoat, kept trying to talk to us. As we commented and gave our best mst3k-style critique, he would lean in and comment himself:

Chiriko: Does he want to rape that little girl? He needs to be shot!
Creepy-Otaku-in-Ominous-Trenchcoat-With-Poorly-Groomed-Facial-Hair: NO SHE NEEDS TO BE SHOT WITH A SHOTGUN TO THE HEAD!

He then sat back up and watched the anime intently as if he hadn't not only intruded on our conversation, but was a true fan of the series. I think he wanted the little girl shot so he COULD rape her better...

It's painfully obvious (LIKE A SHOTGUN TO THE HEAD) that these shows wholly corrupt those who are already on their last chance to EVER know a woman's touch, the fuckin' otaku. They only reinforce the ideas of why they are not getting laid, giving a false sense of security that the problems are external and do not lie within the 50" circumference of their waist.

I know I've shattered a lot of the fuckin' otaku arguments for why they don't get mad chicks. However, I've left them with the most potent argument they could have. I ain't even gonna begin trying to dispel this myth, cause I don't even wanna talk to someone so far gone as this...

Perhaps one day, though, someone will completely destroy the myth that "women don't want to screw otaku cause they have their own private tentacle monster..."

Fuckin' tentacle monster otaku!

(Pictures taken from http://www22.brinkster.com/strawberryeggs/ in case you want to bash them for glorifying this piece of poo =P)