May, 2004's Fucking O-Link-u! Honoree:
 J-List

It's time to go after the large fry. What J-List lacks in content for me to blast it more than makes up for in complete horror. Now, sure, you have to admire them for their business strategy, but if it weren't for J-List, otaku everywhere would be without overpriced Japanese snacks delivered right to their door.

To those unfamiliar with this monster, a bit of background: J-List's slogan is "You've got a friend in Japan." They make their money by being in Japan and sending crappy otaku items that nobody would want back to otaku in the states at an outrageous markup. They are also renowned as the sleaziest of hentai/porn vendors, often disobeying dealer's room directives and selling adult materials to minors. And boy do they know their pornography!

But I'm getting ahead of myself; J-List has something for everyone... like Pocky! And region-2 DVDs! And a bunch of other crap! And unlike more reputable vendors like CD-Japan, they're not afraid to saturate their store with disgusting artifacts like Japanese Adult Toys and whatever other crap they find on Kabukichou street corners that they sell in their "wacky things from Japan" section.

Now, since this is a store, and we're already well aware of their mission statement (mission: to make money off desperate and lame otaku), there's actually not a lot more to say on the subject of how disgusting J-List is, even if their business strategy IS brilliant; rather, I'll review a few of my favorite product descriptions from the site, because, after all, that's where the comedy gold lies!

Warning: Like the rest of this site, none of this is really work-safe, although I've kept the actual porn off this page. 

First on the list is a curious monstrosity called the Marshmallow Pussy. Here is J-list's description:

A truly unique men's adult toy from Japan, this is the Marshmallow Pussy. Fully functional, this item is made of soft plush materials on the outside and filled with micro beads on the inside that massage the penis. Two orifices (one vaginal, one anal) provide that extra realism to the fantasy situation, as does the included anal vibrator which can be inserted into the anal orifice of the product to give it that special something. Exercise your fantasies with this flesh colored wonder from Japan. Comes complete with two replaceable AA batteries and color, visual instructions on use. Completely washable. A wonderful novelty from Japan!

Well, hooray, now you can fuck something that resembles a plush bowling ball! And yes, before I go any further, it's time to say once and for all that J-List is the source of all those obnoxious "I'm looking for a Japanese Girlfriend" T-shirts. Ugh. And here's what they boast about the whole fiasco:

When we made our first "Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend" funny Japanese T-shirt back in 1997, we had no idea what a cult we were creating. Apparently there's a whole bunch of guys in the world who wouldn't mind getting attention from Japanese females in the world. Our best-selling T-shirt ever, this shirt features clear, clean text and a message that is perhaps best translated as "Now accepting applications for Japanese girlfriends." Features a nice red "rising sun of Japan" in the design. You never know what conversation this T-shirt could start, or where it might lead!

Daki-Makura, or Love Pillows, are a horrifying new step in disgusting otaku sex toys. I don't think I need to express my horror at the fact that these exist; the listing speaks for itself.

And last, but not least, is a look at the most notoriously gross hentai game ever: Water Closet. There's not much I can say about Water Closet aside from the fact that it became the first hentai game ever to get a full -50/-50 in the SomethingAwful H-reviews and therefore has a certain fame to it of only the worst kind. Ska and I had our own encounter with Water Closet soon after reading the review in which we encountered it at the J-List booth at Comic-Con. Ska and I were making fun of the box when a scary otaku from J-List came over and tried to sell it to us by saying a rather insane spiel about what a unique game it was and how the perspective blahblahblah; now I've discovered the sales pitch was set by J-List's evil corporate masters. While you can read the full pitch there, here's an excerpt:

A fantastic new game from Peach Princess and Will's Guilty label, this is a great bishoujo title with a fresh twist on being naughty. The first multi-character, multi-path game of its kind, this amazing game allows you to choose one of five different female characters and play through different scenarios from that character's point of view. Explore a cornucopia of forbidden themes as you assume the personalities of each of the characters and play through all parts of the interconnected story.

A fantastic and fresh game concept, and a first for the English-speaking bishojo market, Water Closet: The Forbidden Chamber is an in-depth exploration of the most forbidden erotic themes ever conceived. A great bishoujo title with a great game engine, an excellent CD soundtrack, and full voice, using the original high-quality Japanese voice actresses of the Japan release!

Yeah, right! A game about anime shit porn makes a "fantastic and fresh game concept!" But let's move on from the 99% of the site that is porn and look at a few of J-List's much-touted "wacky things from Japan" -- basically, the way people can visit J-List and still save face by going "oh, I'm not here for the porn, I'm here to get these crappy Hello Kitty wooden sandals." Like I said, they're literally selling crap you find on the street in Akihabara (or in the case of their women's stockings, a Kabukichou street corner) to otaku for hella markups. But they also offer educational materials, like a hiragana study book for children aged 3:

When a student starts off in learning Japanese, one of the first writing systems they learn to use is hiragana (used for standard Japanese words). Here's a fun and cute workbook loaded with fun activities to learn hiragana. Each page has instructions written in hiragana and even has furigana (the characters used to help the student to pronounce new words) to help in reading. Perfect for those who are also trying learn Japanese.

Uh, J-List? How do you have furigana over hiragana? Um, anyway... are these loser otaku who actually need a book WRITTEN IN HIRAGANA to teach them how to write HIRAGANA? So confused. Even so, would a grown man actually enjoy doing stupid puzzles intended for 3 year olds in order to learn how to write hiragaDON'T ANSWER THAT OH GOD! Luckily, once you've learned how to write hiragana from a workbook that's already written entirely in hiragana, you can pick up kanji (for 5 year olds) with a variety of other fun exercises! Lord have mercy! They can sell ANYTHING to these fanboys, including a headband rooting for Japanese fighting spirit! Correct me if I'm wrong (and I probably am), but weren't those popular in, ya know, World War II? o.O And even if they weren't necessarily used in the war, does the guy to my left look any less stupid wearing one? No.

Fuck you, J-List. You're everything that's wrong with the culture of fandom today. Like, seriously, folks; I want to sit here and enjoy this comedy gold, but frankly, this isn't really funny as much as it's tragic. JList is the crack dealer for Japanophiles and otaku, but they're probably far more harmful to their clients; However, their business plan is brilliant: sell total crap from Japan to weirdos who think everything from Japan is some sort of fucking novelty (as opposed to the more sensible 90% of Japanese exports that are actually intended for novelty purposes... =P) and then make a shitload of money selling them anime porn. Fail-safe business plan (and subject of my nightmares), but on top of all that, you can sell goods to your customers that insult them, too! AND THEY'LL BUY THEM! J-List has inspired me to try and market Fuckin' Otaku; they sell their own shirts that say "baka gaijin" ("stupid foreigner") on them. That's right -- PEOPLE WILL PAY MONEY TO WEAR A SHIRT THAT INSULTS THEM IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE!

...I want in! But not if I have to sell my soul to J-List. Thank you, and good night.

Meanwhile, why not consider purchasing our FuKu "Stylish Katakana" shirt or hat? Be the life of the Meet the Guests' Reception at your favorite con with this nifty katakana t-shirt! Amaze any Japanese Celebrity with your super katakana apparel! I absolutely promise it says something cool in Japanese!!! It certainly doesn't label you as a Fucking Otaku or brand you an expendable citizen in the U.S. Government's upcoming "people-for-food" program. Not at all....

~Chiriko