 September 2004's Fucking O-link-u Jamboree:The Fandom of Male PregnancyIt really is almost too easy to make fun of slash (homosexual pairings) fan artists and authors nowadays. The levels these fangirls go to to get their two favorite male fictional characters bonking each other surpass the ridiculous. Are they mortal enemies? No, they're secret lovers! From entirely different series? That's where alternate unvierses are for! One or both of them female? Gender bending time! Nothing is taboo or sacred; not even Ed, Edd & Eddy or the Bible. But recenlty, I came across an aspect of slash fandom that takes things to lengths previously unimaginable.
Us Californians are still pretty bemused that this guy is the head of our state. |
As being gay isn't exactly "manly" (flame away!), a certain emasculation occurs when a fangirl abducts men who had previously shown no inklings of homosexuality in their respective canons and forces them to become attracted to each other, to fall madly in love with each other, to sodomize each other. But in the world of fan art and fiction, where moral and logical race-to-the-bottoms are status quo, this is simply not enough for some people. They must take slash to the next level… male pregnancy.
Have you ever seen the movie Junior, starring Governor Schwarzenegger in possibly his biggest "girly-man" role ever? Take that flick, double the improbability and increase the vulgarity of the whole mess several fold, and you start to get a picture of the male pregnancy sub-fandom on the internet. It was painful at times, but just for you, I've taken several intrepid trips into the world of so-called "m-preg" on the internet so that you don't have to. M-preg is still relatively rare, but there's enough out there to laugh at. Or cry at; your choice.
The existence of m-preg confuses me. I mean, I guess I understand how normal slash can be jilling material for your stereotypical teenage fangirl; however, there is typically little erotic about the effects and process of childbirth, either in real life or in these stories. Is it just that m-preg fangirls wish to see their favorite male characters in the most nurturing, effeminate state possible? I'd ask one, but to tell the truth, I'm afraid of what the answer may be. Either way, here's a sampling of what I have found, for your consideration.
Uh oh. |
We'll start off light. Consider Make My Man a Mommy!, which bills itself as the "official" m-preg fanlisting. Fanlistings are the most pointless sites on the internet, and this is no exception. However, the fact that you can go there and download one of dozens of small images of various anime, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings characters with the words "mpreg fan" typed next to their head may give you an idea of what we're getting ourselves into. All right, ready to continue? Here we go.
The MPreg Archive is probably the largest collection of male pregnancy fan fiction out there. Clicking "Fandoms" will bring up a list of works from which to select your story, from the old slash standbys (Gundam Wing, Lord of the Rings) to some you might not expect (Northern Exposure, The Man from U.N.C.L.E). Let's start with one from Trigun, entitled "Life Goes On."
One would assume that, after over 150 years of life, I would know better. I can't go anywhere; it seems, without someone getting hurt or dieing, or some random building being destroyed. Why I believed this would have been any different, I have yet to figure out. I guess my first mistake was falling in love…
A sharp pain in my abdomen brought me back to reality. I placed my right hand across my stomach, feeling my baby's movements. Another contraction caused me to double over. Good thing I had the Cross Punisher with me to help me balance. I chose to keep it after my fight with Knives.
Another contraction. Damn it! They're coming too close together, and I'm still about 10 iles from the nearest town. I guess it's a good thing the suns have already set, or I'd probably sweat to death in this new coat. It's black, reflective of my current mood.
After this, we're treated to a graphic flashback of Vash and Wolfwood, who are of course deeply in love only with each other (the hell with canon, this is fan fiction!), sticking various appendages into various orifices on the night before Wolfwood dies. When we return to the present, Vash is in labor…
A particularly sharp contraction brought me out of my brooding thoughts. I then felt my baby begin to slide down the newly formed birth canal between my legs. I cried out in pain as the contraction climaxed. Another contraction hit almost as soon as the last one ended, and I felt the baby slide further down. On the next contraction the baby moved a little further down then suddenly stopped. The next contraction was worse then the last few, and my baby didn't move at all. I pushed, hoping to encourage the baby to keep moving, but nothing happened. I tried pushing again with the next few contractions, but still nothing happened. I pushed again, and the only reward I got for my efforts was a small stream of blood pouring from the birth canal.
In a panic, Vash fires a flare into the air, hoping someone in the desert will see it. Fortunately, it is seen by a man on a motorcycle, who (gasp!) turns out to be Wolfwood, who really didn't die. He helps Vash deliver the baby. So, Wolfy asks, how did the $$60,000,000,000 man become
preggers?
"Well, when two people love each other very much…" [Vash said.]
"You know what I mean, Tongari."
"I'm a plant."
"I know that already."
"Plants usually take on a human form so they don't scare the humans around them. This form is of their own choosing. I chose a male form because the crew on the SEEDS ship was almost completely male, with the exception of Rem and a few others. It was all I knew at the time. When I fell in love with you, I must have subconsciously changed my body just enough to accommodate a child, something I knew we both wanted. I got pregnant the last night we spent together. […] I guess this brings me to my next question. Can you feed him?" I looked at him quizzically.
"Well, I sure as hell don't have any food on my bike for a newborn, and I sort of figured since you gave birth to him, you'd be able to feed him somehow."
"I don't know," I said. On a hunch, I lifted up my shirt and, sure enough, my right nipple was leaking a milky substance. I brought Little Nick over to it and he latched on, suckling hungrily.
And then Vash and Wolfwood decide to live together happilyeveraftertheend.
So, slugger, there's your first experience (hopefully) with a male pregnancy fan fic. How are you holding up? You're looking a bit blanched; perhaps you should stand up and walk for a bit; get a glass of water. That's it; take it easy. There's no reason to rush through this. All right, feeling better? Let's continue.
Fangirls will just not let these guys be heterosexual. :( |
The mechanics of just how the guy gets pregnant tends to change from story to story. In "Only In My Wildest Dreams" (an apt title in regards to slash fan fiction authors) in the X-Men section, Logan (Wolverine) has had a womb connected to his rectum by the same sinister organization that gave him his adamantium skeleton. Or something. In "Happy Birthday, Clark" in the Batman section, we see that Clark Kent impregnated Bruce Wayne when they were both hit by a supervillain's ray that turned both of them twenty years younger. Or something. Sometimes the explanation is non-existant; the Justice League story, "In The Blink of an Eye," with a pregnant Flash being consoled by Green Lantern, the father, seems to take for granted that two superheroes who love each other would naturally have children. Or something. Anyway, if there's any stories out there about men just becoming pregnant by women, I didn't find any; heterosexuality is not a welcome practice in the world of m-preg.
If you're specifically looking for Harry Potter fiction, you can check out the Harry Potter Mpreg Fuh-Q-Fest. Once you get past all the intro screens and such, you'll find a ridiculously large archive of Harry Potter pregnancy porn stories, most of which are quite long; you'll have to forgive me for not reading one in its entirety. Most of them seem to involve magic in some form or another to get the men preggers. From a story entitled "The Switch (and Flick)"…
"I know how it happened."
"How?" Harry asked.
Draco turned around slightly to look up at Harry. "Did you and Ginny
ever have sex?"
Harry blushed. "Once," he said, looking down. "It wasn't good."
"I didn't ask for details," Draco said, screwing up his nose in
disgust. "Was it, by any chance, unprotected?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Was it?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah. It was stupid. We were both worried she was
pregnant, but she had her period and all. […] So what does any of this have to do with anything?" Harry asked.
"She was pregnant, Harry," Draco said. Before Harry had time to ask
anything, he continued, "She hexed me in the corridor back in
October and I hexed her back. We switched bodies, temporarily. The
Professors switched us back and no one ever knew."
"Except the baby that Ginny carried was somehow transferred to your
body instead," Harry said. After a while, he sighed and said, "Oh
Merlin what a mess."
I wonder how JK Rowling's lawyers feel about this…
Okay, enough with the fan fiction; on to fan art. Can't wait, can you? Check out the MPregFans gallery at that twenty-first century bastion of quality visual arts, deviantArt. From what I could find, this is the largest archive of male pregnancy fan art on the web; fortunately, that's not saying much. There's little here of any artistic merit, but so far, I've managed to totally freak out everyone who I've linked to Pregnant Inuyasha, so I guess it's good for that. (My friends are always hesitant to click on the links I send them. I wonder why.)
The world collectively shudders. |
As the next couple of sites host original works (as opposed to fan works), they'd generally be outside the scope of Fucking O-link-u, but they're both just so OMGWTF that I must share them with you. First is He's Pregnant! If you want to test your limits of gross-out-ability, check out the Gallery, which contains photos of either fat men or just men who have been PhotoShopped to look pregnant; it can be hard to tell which is which. There's also some crappy drawings of men which appear to show that, in addition to getting large stomachs, pregnant men's testicles also swell to a ridiculous and frankly quite painful-looking size. There's also a small story archive with mostly original fiction. "Time at Last" was apparently written by that site's webmaster; Adam is in the midst of giving birth to twins, and the second is on its way.
I was loosing track of what was going on around me, concentrating on pushing, breathing and the feeling of my sphincter once again being stretched beyong its limits. I could feel the weight of the babies head pushing my arse wider. Of course, one of the problems with being a man giving birth is the location of the prostate gland and although this whole birth experience was uncomfortable, I was finding it deeply erotic!
I had one of the biggest erections of my life as the little baby pushed its way out in to the real world.
I pushed again, and the head crowned. It was a very tight fit and I was on the edge of pain.
"Christ, this ones big" I had turned bright red.
"Come on Adam, keep your breathing steady" Jess encouraged me. Gradually the rest of the head emerged and after more pushing the rest of the body followed. "That was hard work" I panted.
Jess and the Doctor fussed around the new child. "It's another boy and bigger than the other one, goodness 15 pounds!" Exclaimed the Doctor.
It wasn't long before the afterbirth followed. As it pushed passed my prostate it all became to much and I came in a massive burst all over my now deflated balloon gut.
Yes. Now, forgive me for being vulgar for a moment… I can't speak for all men, but I personally do not find things exiting my asshole all that exciting. Otherwise, I'd be getting an erection every time I took a big healthy number two. This is one of many stories which makes me think that there's no way m-preg could be jilling material for pubescent female otaku as more conventional slash often is; I really don't see how anyone could find this stuff erotic!
Whew! We really dodged a bullet there! |
But wait, there's more! It's time now to scrape the bottom of the barrel in m-preg in the internet; the most repulsive of the repulsive, the most pathetic of the pathetic. FuKu fans, I present: Power Man.
This is a 154-page (and still incomplete) online comic book featuring Power Man, a superhero in a leotard. The story revolves around Power Man being shot by a special bullet made out of distilled fertility drugs (or something) by his arch-nemesis, The Jester. The Jester then kidnaps the pregnant Power Man and fattens him up with food. Power Man goes along with this; he'd escape, but he's too fat to fit through any escape route. As the latest chapter ends, we see The Jester's evil plan put into action; he hooks Power Man's fat pregnant breasts up to a machine and milks them for his sinister purposes. Or (say it with me!) something.
But did I mention that this "comic" is created out of digital photos of men in full-body spandex suits with MS-Painted backgrounds? And that Power Man is wearing some sort of fat suit under his spandex in the scenes where he's pregnant?
And with that, I'll sign off. I hope you've enjoyed our trip through the male pregnancy fandom on the internet. No, wait, that's a lie; I hope you have been thoroughly disgusted by it. If so, then not only have I done my job, but you will have proved yourself as a human who doesn't need to be institutionalized. Until nest time…
~Albright
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