Age 14 - 1989 -


The Stoneage of the Internet. In that day and age, yes, dear friends, there was an internet. But, it looked nothing like it does today. There was no network or chat nationally known that tied in hundreds of thousands of users at once (except the porn sites.) The only things that existed were small, isolated communities on BBSes (Bulletin Board Systems), and occasional access to USENET.

I became a remote sysop for a very small, very local BBS called Wildfire's Forest. (To give you an idea of the size of the network.. well.. only one person could be online at a time. ;p) I'd gone to school with the sysop, Jake, a short little Jewish boy who was in love with a shy little Mormon girl. Jake still is the reason I have the moniker "Pellia."

Wildfire's Forest was a very inventive roleplaying bulletin board, and exclusive. I dreadfully miss those days. In some ways, the text-only sites fostered more creativity, for you were not limited by the visuals of the game media you played. And never forget, if someone came on who only spoke hAxOr or AOLese, we deleted his account. =D

Over the course of time, as I got to know the small group that made our local entourage, some of them began to fall in love with me. And, since Jake was my friend and had asked me to do it, my account had my address and telephone number listed. It was quite easy for any member of a BBS with just a little bit of programming knowledge to break into their account, increase their access, then view the information on the other members.

My first cyberstalkers were innocent little escapades brought about by the loneliness of young boys with little to no lives, whittling time away on their 486s at home and wishing they weren't in a Tribe Without Women. However, I was the one woman that happened to be in that very same place.

The first boy went off to a summer camp at Wesleyan, and wrote me love letters and drew me a picture of himself. The only thing is, he forgot that I only knew him by his online handle, not his real name, so I had no idea who was sending this to me. I freaked out, called all my friends; no one knew who had sent the letters. After a week of worrying, I threw the letters in the trash. Later, that summer, the boy asked me if I'd gotten his letters. I went off on him for not ever making that.. tie-in? Needless to say, the connection had never dawned on him. He apologized, very embarrassed. Not that it mattered anymore.. That summer, he'd been infatuated by me, but by the time I figured out who it was, he had a girlfriend. (Whew!)

The second time, which happened fairly shortly after the letters, a complete stranger appeared on my doorstep with a bouquet of roses. I refused to answer the door, being utterly paranoid and afraid that I'd somehow attracted a killer through the internet, and already afraid because of the stranger's love letters. (This is before I learned the identity of the guy who'd written those letters.) My mom ended up answering the door and talking to the boy and asking him to leave for me. (Hey, I was 14.) He came by the next day to apologize for startling me so.

I'm at least glad that I was able to have these experiences with them at a young age.. while their actions and thoughts were not cemented in place, so that they could learn that the way they had approached me was wrong. I'm also glad, because these situations prepared me for the time I had a real stalker, not just some innocent and really stupid boy.



(If you're at all interested in chronology, the Lee Chronicles happen between these events and the next section.)

Adult life - Try as you might, nobody messes with me now!


The most reassuring fact about meeting people online is this: that, should the person you meet be psycho, you probably have at least a few thousand miles between you.

Also, since I was 14, I've learned a thing or two about leaving my address and phone number around. ;)

However, precautions still don't mean you won't meet psychos out there. In the following stories, names have been changed. Not to protect the innocent. However, most people think I've quit Nexus. I haven't; however I don't want my old identity linked back to my current one.

The first time I met another internet psycho freak was in the game that Chiriko and I both play: Nexus: The Kingdom of the Winds. My first in-game husband (actually, we never married. He was too poor and too inconsiderate to save enough money to afford a marriage) was this Canadian freak. We'll call him Scallion. He took the marriage thing seriously, and he had severe control issues. In the game, you have to hunt to gain levels. He only wanted me to hunt when he was online.. but of course, he could hunt at anytime with anyone, whenever it pleased him. The first time I discovered this insanity, he'd just gone ballistic over the fact that I had been hunting with two female friends. I could never understand his jealousy. Especially because both of my hunting partners were female. Not that getting jealous of any friends is okay in any form; just, if he was jealous of my being with other males, it's something more.. comprehensible.

Originally, Scallion was very likeable, humorous, and fun. Over time, the control issues absorbed and enveloped him, and he became a different person entirely. The game became no longer fun, for every action was under intense scrutiny by the ever-controlling Scallion. The slightest wrongdoing was subject to hours and hours of agonizing talks with him, trying to make him see things like my hunting with others doesn't mean I hate him, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. The shortest of these talks was four hours.

I don't recall what exactly was my last straw with Scallion. It was just as equally ridiculous as all of his other supposed insults and injuries. I just decided it was time to cut off ties, short and sweet. But, of course, he couldn't have it that way. I had to stay with him, in his mind. I had to see things his way. When I turned my back to him in the game and walked away, saying goodbye forever, he then continued to whisper (chat) with me. Fortunately, games now have ignore tools. Once ignored, he proceeded to mail me. Despite my urge to view his incindiary attacks and air back my protests that I do happen to have the right to my own opinion and my own actions no matter what he says, and how dare he even attempt to take them away in the slightest.. Such a thing would keep the situation ongoing. It was better to keep him on ignore and just delete his mailings and let him just go be psychotic. However, subsequent internet "girlfriends" got fair warnings of his controlling behavior. Each one appreciated it, except for an equally insane primogeness (head of a clan - in-game, a clan is just an organization of likeminded individuals; Nexus's clans are organizations officially approved by the game's company.) I have no doubt that that was a result of aeons of brainwashing by Scallion.. Her actions as primogeness reeked of his behavior, and were things that she would never have done had Scallion never been in her life.

My next ingame relationship was an in-game marriage to someone who was attached in real life, who understood the fact that something in a play pretend environment was not a real life relationship, and that any behavior that said different would not be tolerated. This ended up being a very long relationship, and we always had fun. He never, ever went psycho on me.

Recent times


Sometimes, men have a thing for you without telling you. That's quite fine.. until that one day hits when something happens and they wig out on you.

Because of my past fiascoes, I've since always tried to build myself a network of healthy, supportive friends. I did this both in my main life, and on my online one. Still, sometimes there are surprises.

Like Luke. He was a very intelligent guy whom I always enjoyed chatting with online. With him, I could run the gamut, from inanity to intense intellectual discourse. We chatted often, and frequently. Then, he disappeared, never coming online. After a few months passed I began to get angry at him. Then I shrugged, and put him in my "I guess we're not friends anymore" mental file, and went on with my life.

It turns out he had lost his home in that interim, and when he finally came back online, he couldn't comprehend the change. Rather like Lee, he didn't want to accept the fact that time had passed, that things had changed. We'd probably still be friends, except for this: he felt that our virtual relationship was stronger than any relationship he was having in his real life. And this was a guy who was very sheltered and isolated by his environment, who had previously admitted to me that he didn't think he could have any viable relationship with anyone out there.. And for him, there were actually valid reasons, not the normal "I'm just a loser" ones. The fact that I was happy that he was making friends and girlfriends in real life only depressed him further. He tried to run me through guilt trips over the anger I had had during the months that there'd been no contact. He'd tell me that he knew how I could feel that way, and accept it, then turn around and accuse me for having those feelings, even though he had just said he understood them! Also, after discovering that I was getting ready to go out on a date, Luke tried to use emotional instability to keep me at my computer, chatting with him, rather than out with the guy I hoped to be dating. I saw through the ruse, and went out, regardless. I came home to a message that sulkingly stated, "I was wrong, this will never happen again." Unfortunately, the only way I can be sure of that is by never speaking to him again.

Cruel, again, yes. However, Luke's done this in the past with other females. In fact, time and time again with other females. It's just not worth the emotional drain.

That guy I ran out to meet was also a source of controversy with another online friend. See, the guy's this cute little guy from Asia. And, from gushing about him to my friends (whom I would have thought would be happy for me to be dating for the first time in years), I discovered that some of these friends that I thought I knew were racist sons of bitches.

Well, first, let's see about the group. We'll call them: John, and Stan, and Lily. I think, at one time or another online, all of us come across a group that's a little like this one was. Lily was a popular girl; all the guys online liked her. In fact, they seemed to follow her around, drooling over every word she said and every act she ever performed. To liken this to a real-world scenario, she was one of those girls whom guys would always call cute even when she farted.. LOUDLY. Disgusting, to say the least.

Lily really wasn't to blame. She couldn't help the fact that they were emotionally needy, that these guys needed someone who needed them. I don't believe she ever realized that they behaved much differently around her, comparably. I'd still say, however, that they followed her around like dogs, eager for the smallest bone thrown their way.

John was the stable one - smart, young, secure, and always leery of getting too attached to people online. Actually, I wonder at the fact that he did get so attached to Lily, as cautious as he is. Stan, however, was an older guy who'd never really dated, was never really looking, who formed attachments to any woman who said "Hello" with a smile.

Of course, it was Stan who went off on me about my little cute Asian guy.

I don't even remember how it started. I was all jovial and happy.. You know, seeing the world all rosy and all. At first I thought Stan's messages were just probing for more info, but after a while I realized that I was defending myself...?? Suddenly, anything I said to Stan was just "wrong;" he began combating every opinion I had with fury, and every fact I had with superstitious conjecture.. on ANY subject, not just my crush. What the hell, was I no longer a person? I can't think for myself?

I know you all probably want more to that story.. Hell, I want more. But here's the truth: There really isn't anything more. I know the warning signs to a dangerous online personality now. I moved Stan to my invisible list and still haven't changed it. Oh, and there's been no apology to date.

The thing about it all is that this really surprised me, coming from Stan. We'd never been close, he'd never shown any indication that he had any liking for me.. Except for this time, obviously trying to get me NOT to date. And I'd known Stan nearly 2 years at that point. The whole thing came about as quite a shock. The only thing about it that I can think of to explain his actions is this: since he himself hasn't dated, no one else is entitled to either. Some would like me to add in here, though, that Stan may have been trying to make up for the fact that he was getting over the fact that he'd fallen in love with someone online who'd only been pretending to be a woman, but who was really a man.

Oh, we can't forget the normal psych profile of this sort of closet wacko: control issues as a result of little control of his own life, coupled with a low self esteem and little to no hope for a better outlook in life, at least, in his own mind there's not. But the internet is getting so full of that sort these days, these aspects hardly seem worth mentioning.

You know, once when I was a young girl I'd gone on a field trip to entertain the elderly who understandingly get bored off their asses in the retirement homes.. But I'd had a bad experience; some of the elderly were quite openly hostile and scary. Afterwards, to soothe my mind, my mother offered the very likely possibility that those elderly were senile, and explained how she's experienced senility: That senility seems to bring out the worst aspects of a personality, shining a bright beam of light on them.

I guess I'm trying to say that for some people, using the internet is like becoming senile. ~grins~

Which leads me back to John. John's not senile, but the day I had an altercation with him, he'd totally forgotten a conversation I'd had with him just one week earlier! Miffed, I explained everything all over to him again. He posed me question after question, as though I'd never talked about it with him before. I answered him curtly each time, and trying to figure out a way to excuse myself from the conversation. Just before I was able to segue into another conversation or to say a goodbye, John made a dreadful faux pas.

He made an awful comment to me comparing something I did which was moral to something Lily had done, which was arguably innocent but hardly kind. The gist of it was: I should be like Lily, and I should feel like shit for not being like her.

I went off on him. I cussed so long and loud that probably my mother, miles and miles away, was blushing with embarrassment. I said things that would probably make the Pope cry (not that I'm Catholic.)

Was that mean? Probably. But I absolutely do not GET it when guys think that they're entitled to mind control. It stinks worse than a baby's used diaper that's been lying outside in the rain for days! What the fuck, it's not the stone age anymore. And, I'm sorry if this makes me a bad person for believing that if I won't even let a guy I date control me, I sure as hell am not going to let someone whose face I've never even seen do it either.

John sank to the invisible list for a while. The stupid oaf is off of it, but again he's given no apology for his caveman attitude. I'm fine with that. If he'd rather try to control my thoughts and actions and get the hell out of my life than be in my life but keep his damn distance, so be it.