WHO ARE THE CATS ON MARS?!

Hi there! Connecticut resident and emcee ELVIRA here. My old page got taken down because Phil (my ex-boyfriend) and I broke up and I took a two-year hiatus from Geocities Web Design in order to try and stalk--er, win him back by visiting Manila! Well, wouldn't you know, I wound up kidnapped by an Islamic extremist group and shipped off to Pakistan where I became a mujheddin Freedom Fighter, except I wasn't fighting for anything other than the freedom to eat cows in India. Okay, so that's not really true. I took the breakup REALLY hard and became a militant lesbian, was admitted to Hartford Community College, and began to pursue a career in my intended major of Womens' Studies.

However, I dropped out of school to take a year off after I found out that Phil had been killed in a street fight in Manila. At least that's what the message from his email said in response to my 165 daily messages. I decided to use my newfound freedom to explore the great United States of America and discovered that Texas is quite the shithole. I discovered that when I got the shit beaten out of me in a bar in Austin by the Bush Twins. Anyway, when I came to (a couple of months later) I had been sold into white slavery somewhere in North Dakota, and I had to use my wits and moxy to make it home to Connecticut, where I re-enrolled in Hartford Community College. However, my year of rape and torture at the hands of evil male oppression made me realize that maybe guys weren't so bad after all. I had to posthumously forgive Phil, and dump my girlfriend Lisa (who had spent the last year searching for me frantically), and am currently searching for a new twig-boy to ...completely... dominate.

When I found out that the Cats on Mars "Who" page hadn't been updated since I was in my junior year of high school (in which I inanely stated "I liek to hang out with my FRIENDS!!! and listen to MUSIC!!!") I immediately contacted Chiriko and asked if he needed a new introduction.

"Oh. Um.. yeah. Okay," he said. "You're welcome to do it, but I feel obligated by conscience to tell you that I only had you do it the first time to completely mock you. I guess I'll have to redo the whole page now, and remove those I've lost touch with."

"That's okay by me," I said. After all, little did he know that I would use this opportunity to talk about my cosplaying prowess. It's the perfect revenge! You see, one of my hobbies is making really small costumes that don't fit me and wearing them to conventions. I showcased myself as the tank-like MEGA-AMELIA at a recent con, was a highlight of the CHUNKY RINOA HOLOCAUST, and plan to make my post-slavery comeback as SUPER SKIMPY QUEEN BRAHME at AnimeBoston 2004. The only problem with wearing such tight costumes is that sometimes they get caught in all my little nooks and crannies, and, well, you can imagine that that just makes me feel utterly--

Note: Elvira has been silenced. Again. Joy. S.E.E.D. -- your tax dollars at work.

But the question still remains... WHO ARE THE CATS ON MARS? Perhaps it can best be explained by the Yoko Kanno song "Next Time" from Song to Fly:

Comatose radios.
A specialty 'case you don't know.
Broken hose overdose.
We cause all these problems just so
you'll try harder next time.

Actually, that doesn't explain anything at all. Sorry.

The mystery deepens. Who are the Cats on Mars? What purpose do they serve? Why is this page so badly designed?

I made my own Rinoa costume! Now I sit huddled on the floor crying, scratching myself, and singing Eyes on Me! Know what else I like to do? I love to write Wolf's Rain yaoi slash fanfiction!!! *^_^* My FAVORITE pairing is Tsume x Toboe, but I have to wonder about the mechanics of how they'd have sex! I mean, since they're technically both wolves, would they be able to use their human forms, or would they do it like wolves? In my fanfic, I like to assume that Tsume would take his wolf form, and Toboe would keep his human form, remove his clothes, and present himself just like the little bitch he is! And then, Tsume would move closer, his-

We apologize. Elvira broke through the TI-Barrier and continued her screeching. We distracted her momentarily by releasing her on KatsuCon. There were no survivors.

Back to the mystery. What purpose do these elite Martian cats serve in your daily lives? Why, that's simple. We're here because you want us here. We're here becasue you need us. We're here to shatter the dreams of otaku* and make fun of Mari Iijima's Mid-Life Crisis. And a whole bunch of OTHER SHIT. Miscellany! Yes, indeed!

*Otaku: a hated anime fanboy who is either extremely overweight or underweight, with a tendency to avoid showers, masturbate to Minmay, and secrete bacon. Yes, they secrete bacon.

So, now that you know that we're here JUST BECAUSE, it's time your insatiable thirst for knowledge led you to ask the eternal question:

Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my bed?

Chiriko/Evil-lyn/Alice/Nuriko/Kaki/Miaka
Kaworu/Pellia/Kourin/GaleWolf/Zidane/Mog

"Sorry, I thought that was my leg. I'm Chiriko, known also as Tommy or Jude, the leader of the Cats on Mars, a Yoko Kanno ho-bag, and in general, the supreme commander of this website and stuff, I guess. I'm currently a Film Scoring/Composition Major at the Berklee College of Music in Boston. I have blue* hair and my principal instrument is Marimba. And since I'm sure you all want to know so much about me (hah!), here's a bit of frequently asked questions I assume I'd get if anybody asked me anything."

* HAIR COLOR SUBJECT TO CHANGE

I live in Arcadia. Serious. Well, the Arcadia that's just East of Pasadena, not the eternal paradise of legend. Although... California is the best place on earth, and if you don't believe me, go to California and then drive down to Tijuana (asshole of the earth). However, things have become a bit muddled lately as I've come to school in Boston and thus am staying in Massachusetts for roughly 2-4 months at a time. So I live in both Boston, MA, and Los Angeles, CA. Yes, it's hard to order DVDs and CDs online when you're not sure when and where they need to ship. =P Yes, I manage.

Your sexiness and mastery of the English language has turned me on. Is it legal for me to grant you sexual favors?

It's absolutely legal, but whether Evelyn will crucify you or not is an entirely different story. I'm currently 20 years old. My birthday is 1/29/1984.

Music, anime, manga, videogames, IRC, jpop and jrock, and such... Boy, my life sounds boring.

You talk shit about otaku and fanboys, but look at yourself! Isn't that a bit hypocritical?

Fuck you! I may share some of the same interests as otaku, but I differ from them in the following important ways:

Yoko Kanno just might be one of the most versatile film composers of this era. She does a lot of anime, movie, and videogame composition in Japan, but her music is absolutely extraordinary, drawing on influences that range from Debussy to Björk (sometimes blatantly). If you're familiar with Cowboy Bebop, Macross Plus, Vision of Escaflowne*, Brain Powerd, Turn-A-Gundam, Chikyuu Shoujo Arjuna, Wolf's Rain, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, or Napple Tale you've heard her work. Many of those shows are good; others are total crap, but the scores are still great. You can find out more about her at the Yoko Kanno Project.

Of course, Kanno doesn't work her magic alone. Her oft-partner-in-crime (and secret love?!) Hajime Mizoguchi is as big an influence as erm... an influential metaphor, and he frequently (always?) plays cello on her recordings. Kanno also produces albums/singles for singers Maaya Sakamoto and Akino Arai, and many other artists, such as Steve Conte, Tulivu-Donna Cumberbatch, Mai Yamane, and the Warsaw Philharmonic Orchestra are used liberally in her work. She's most recently composed soundtracks to the drama Other Side of Midnight, the movies Mizu no Onna and tokyo.sora, and the anime shows Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex and Wolf's Rain.

Funtastic Fact: "Gabriela Robin" appears in every work Yoko Kanno does. She sounds exactly like Kanno, has never been seen in public, and has never produced anything outside of YK's works. In fact, we're named after a song sung by Gabriela Robin called Cats on Mars. I made a webpage to Gabriela Robin, and it had a live webcast, and got over 20 million hits in the first 10 minutes. Of course, that's because, like Gabriela Robin, the page is imaginary.

I love Evelyn, windy days (but not in Assachusetts), adventure, and our friendly neighbor to the North, Canada. Some of my other favorites:

Composers: Igor Stravinsky, Claude Debussy, Nikolay Rimsky-Korsakov, Hector Berlioz, Maurice Ravel, Keiko Abe, Yoko Kanno, and Joe Hisaishi
Marimbists: Evelyn Glennie, Nanae Mimura, Keiko Abe, and Nancy Zeltsman
Non-Classical/Film Music: The Beatles, Shiina Ringo, Stereolab, Lamb, and Pizzicato Five
Movies: Amélie, Bowling For Columbine, and Spirited Away
Anime: Cowboy Bebop, Macross (Original and Plus), Urusei Yatsura, Wolf's Rain, and every Miyazaki movie I've seen.

I hate stupid people, Republicans, Mari Iijima, otaku, and, of course, my arch-nemesis Louise "Weezy" Jefferson.

Too bad for you, I do! :) Evil-lyn, a soprano studying voice at California State University, Northridge, is all mine!!! =O Here's a picture from a not-so-recent excursion to fobby-picture land.

No bio yet. Evil-lyn gets preferential treatment because of her innate ability to copulate with Chiriko. Huzzah!

"Salutations! I've always liked that word. It reminds me of the late Charlotte X. Spider from Charlotte's Web. Since I am now a Cats On Mars member and I really don't have a choice to decline, I might as well make a profile."

Cut the crap. Who the hell are you and why do you get to be a part of the Cats On Mars gang?

Quite frankly, I have no idea why I am joining or why I'm the third one listed. Maybe it is because my best friend runs the site?! That makes me high on the list by default. Haha. Suckas!

You're a bitch, you can't just come here and expect priority treatment! Since you have to be here, what do you have to offer anyway?

Ummm... I have developed super powers such as, the ability to sense when microwave popcorn is done popping, and when another soy sauce is fraudulently being posed as Kikkoman in those little restaurant bottles.

I collect owls, nickels and popsicle sticks(okay, not really. I just happen to have a big box of popsicle sticks). I can share my super powers and popsicle sticks!

Alright, only because you can share your popsicle sticks, you've passed the test. Let us know more about you.

I'm really just your average, indie rockin', Asian girl next door. My favorite band is the Smashing Pumpkins and I like to spend my free time frolicking in the park. Fin.

Now that you have the adoration of tens of tens, a piggy bank full of nickels and an emerging fan club, how do we get to be more like you?

You can start by visiting Jude. Run around with your arms outstretched(like an airplane), screaming Maxwell's Silver Hammer at the top of your lungs. After that is accomplished, contact me for further instructions.

Huh? Who is this Jude you speak of?

Jude. Judie. Tommy. Skinny white boy. Yoko Kanno stalker (every other Sunday). Thomas. Thomas Domenick. Thomas Domenick Pedrini. Thomas Domenick Pedrini IV. Son of Jamie and Thomas #3. The anti-Christ. Student of Berklee College of Music. Boyfriend of Evelyn Jones Yu (that colorful girl above me). Igor Stravinsky's ho. Owner of Kiki and Mog (scroll down). The guy that used to eat a bunch of cheeto™s and purposely get them stuck in his braces so he could ask if he had anything in them to gross everyone out. Alumnus of Coolidge Elementary School, Jefferson Middle School, Gabrielino High School, Pasadena City College. Hot damn! I'm good. I should give his eulogy.

Enough already! We obviously don't know who the hell you are talking about. Tell us already!

Oh yeah, you refer to him as Chiriko.

Holy moly! How did you ever get involved with that guy?!

I first met Jude in the sixth grade when I was 12 years old and he was 11. I had a lot of fun picking on him for a couple of years. In our freshmen year of high school, we started up Advice by Alice & Jude, a side project we had for fun. Unfortunately, because I did not put in nearly half the time and dedication that Jude did, it flopped. It has been five years since Advice by Alice & Jude has been up and running. Since then, we have traveled to the depths of Djibouti, danced the Macarena and contracted the SARS virus (Editor's note: With the exception of travel to Djibouti and the Macarena, none of that stuff ever happened). Now that we will be in quarantine until a vaccination is produced, we will have plenty of time to revive Advice by Alice & Jude. =) Write to us, we have excellent advice. ;)

(Editor's Note: Nuriko isn't too big on biographies, so I'll field it. She lives in the barren desert of Las Vegas, surviving on fast food and delicious scorpion meat. Her favorite font is Comic Sans. She and she alone is responsible for North Korea's nuclear weapons program. Or, as they say in Britain, "programme.")

"Oh my God! What happened to that hot guy I met at the bar last night?! Oh come on! You can't say that I was so bad that you forgot what we did last night! (Or what I thought we did last night.) Well . . . anyway . . .I'm Kaki. I'm an Asian chick who find herself in more trouble than she would like, such as this. I am a total nerd and I readily admit it. I like to read, study languages, draw, cook, sew and any other boring thing you can think of. And I go to the nerdy school of UC Berkeley. BUT I hate Magic the gathering and other geeky card games, obsessive fanboy/fangirls, and other geeky things. I said I'm a nerd, but I'm not a geek. I totally love comic books but I don't watch this animation stuff as an artform or anything. I dig two shows- Pokemon and Sailor Moon- hardly stimulating stuff. And I will call them 'cartoons,' no matter what you tell me."

You bet I do!! I hate the ones that seem to think they know OH SO MUCH more about Asia than Asians. There was this online fanboy who decided to tell me that my mom was a "stupid American," since she didn't get all the details of a Japanese animated movie. WHATEVER! My mom's parents were raised in Japan, she learned Japanese as a kid (though she doesn't speak it at all now). Who do you think would know more: a lame fanboy who has never been to Japan or my mom?! Then there was that other fanboy who decided that I was just too stupid to live since I called anime "cartoons." He told me that I knew nothing about Japan and the animation industry. Hmm, I think he admitted only going once (Editor's Note: He'd gone fewer times than that...) . . . I go about once a year, speak Japanese and actually know people in the freaking industry. I don't think I'm the ignorant one here. Anything animated is anime to the Japanese, so anything animated should be "cartoons" to us. I also can't stand these people who take everything on the internet as fact. Hello!!! No one has to check if it's right, so most likely, it isn't!

Actually, my spoken Japanese is pretty bad compared to my reading and comprehension skills, but I have done interpreting work on numerous occasions. I also am capable in Taiwanese and Mandarin (Taiwanese better than Mandarin), though I speak Mandarin pretty badly. I also have studied French, which comes in handy for reading Asterix and TinTin. I want to pick up Korean one of these days as well.

Well, I have met and had pretty significant conversations with many people in the Japanese comic and animation industry. For some reason, meeting "famous" people is pretty exciting, even when you didn't know who they were until you have becomes friends with them. Then again, meeting people in general is pretty exciting. It also helps that I don't really care about what these people do, especially. I mean, it is cool that Nobuhiro Watsuki created Rurouni Kenshin, but I didn't really care about that when I spoke with the dude and watched him drool over his idol, Jim Lee. The dude is just another dude. I also got to meet and talk with my idol Akemi Takada, though I had a total anxiety attack when I was supposed to interpret for her. She was very understanding though. I also have met and translated for Yoko Kanno, a very very pleasant, funny woman. Amanda Winn-lee and Jessica Calvello are two of the most awesome people in this industry. I have had dinner with Nobuo Ishiguro (granddaddy behind Macross), who is just a sweet sweet daddy type. Hiroyuki Yamaga (man behind "Wings of Honneamise") gave me very sweet compliments in a signbook of mine, so I will always remember that, especially if he ever makes good on his joke to make me into a character in one of his works. Other people: Mari Iijima, Mika Akitaka, Sachiko Kamimura, Saitou Chiho, Kunihiko Ikuhara, Kazuto Nakazawa, Yasuhiro Nightow (have hung out with him at SD two years in a row now), the Blue sub# 6 guys, Yuu Watase (checked her into her hotel room), Toshihiro Kawamoto, Brett Weaver and some others.

"I am the wonderous Sith Empress Miaka Shi, you will bow before me pathetic mortals or I shall stab you in the eyes with my trusty mechanical pencils! pH34r f0r th3 t1m3 0f mY gl0r10uS rul3 dr4wS n34r!"

I don't really know. D I like Star Wars and other dorkdom...but I'm not really a dork. Wait, yes I am. Really, I think I'm a male who was born into a female body--but still retains a lot of feminine qualities. Doesn't make sense then, does it? Or maybe I'm the perfect union of male and female mental qualities tied up in a frail little female body...ooh, that sounds much cooler. Let's stick with that.

*sighs* I'm from Indianapolis...I've since moved to Chicago to begin my higher education...but I guess you can never really shake your roots, now can ya? (Editor's Note: Miaka has since moved to California to attend USC. Boo-yah! When people ask her where she's from, she lies "Chicago." I would too if I were from Indiana. -Chiriko)

So what exactly about you makes you this male-female-thing you were talking about?

Dammit, don't make it sound like I have both male and female sex organs you pervert! Well, anyways, I'd have to say my love and passion for cars, understanding of the male mind, understanding of certain male...urges *wink*, my dirty mouth, and love for all things perverted are what makes me more "guy" than "girl". I assure you I'm still too girly to be a guy, but I'm most comfortable being with "the guys" than I am with "being with the girls." Though, I do like to dress very feminine...so damnit don't get the wrong impression of me! P But if I'm "masculine-minded" in anyway, it's some sort of geeky male. I'm also fantastically obsessed with Star Wars. But I absolutely hate almost everything fantasy-oriented. I hate D&D, Magic the Gathering, and the sort...and I REALLY hate elves and people who think they're half dragons...argh, want to stab them!

Well, I also dislike chocolate (shocking!), rich desserts, racists, idiots, the South, rude people, frat boy/girls, "non-conformists," "conformists", girls, and just about everything else. =P No, not really.. ;D I'm actually very easy going....BELIEVE ME DAMN YOU!

Mm, long list. I love my darling significant other ;), speedy import cars (only german and japanese tho), nine inch nails, my beloved trent and hyde, anti-utopian novels, star wars, various anime/manga titles, the internet and the like, porn based off of movies, learning languages, and writing fiction of many a genre...I could go on, but I think this is good enough. Visit my website =P http//bishounen.org/ ;D

"FINE! Refuse my free offer to give you a back massage! I was only being nice! Anyway, hello, I am the ruler of this universe you are in right now. Which means I also own your soul. Be happy that I own you though, because without me, your life would be nothing but pure SHIT! Then again, your life might already be pure shit...so I wont say anything more...wait, yes I will. What do I look like? Well I'm Chinese...so that says I have black hair and brown eyes! Amazing! :D The following bellow are not frequently asked questions about me, but questions I made up. :P"

Where is your beautiful palace based, oh so pretentious ruler of the universe?

Well, I live in Cresskill, New Jersey. It is a small small small town full of white people. Well there are some FOBS here, but I'm not one of them. (NOTE: Notice how I am the only one that lives on the east coast out of all the Cats on Mars?)

DEFINETELY! Isn't 3D porn the best thing ever invented? Yes it is! Well too bad I can't see it. I am underage. :(

I like music, MAAYA SAKAMOTO, ddr, soccer, tennis, anime, movies, singing, drawing etc.

What do I hate? Well, I hate stupid people mostly. I also hate people that show off sooooooo fucking much, it's sickening. For example, say there is this really smart kid, and he or she raises his or her hand to ask a question. But, it turns out to sound not like a question! It sounds more like this, "Well isn't it because of mercantilism that the US tried to break away from Britain." And then you are sitting there and thinking, "WTF is mercantilism? Why the fuck is he or she sucking up to the teacher? Why the hell is this pissing me off so much? Oh yah! 'Cause that jackass is obviousley trying to show off to everyone how smart he or she is! I hate showoffs! I hate people that brag!". I also hate racists and such. More things I hate has got to be bitches (though I like fictional bitches in TV shows, books, anime etc), sluts, backstabbing fuckers and others. :P

YOU DON'T KNOW??!?!?!??!?!?!?!! Well she is the BEST japanese singer in the whole freakin world! Most of her music is produced by the great Yoko Kanno, and the mixture of Yoko's great music with Maaya's soothing voice creates...well heaven on earth >:D hohohohoho. She has also done many anime roles, her most popular one is Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne.

"Pardon me? So you don't remember what we did last night? The food, the wine, the dancing.. this ring here on my finger? The two YEARS we've spent together? What's with that look on your face? Oh, wait, let me get some coffee.. ~sips it and rubs her eyes~ Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I thought you were my exfiancé.. Issues? What are you talking about, issues..? Hey wait, where are you going?"

"Sod off, this is MY bed! Don't make me bring out the restraining order!" (Kourin is a cynical borderline meanie workaholic koala also known as Karen, Rin, or...
AkugekigangeRINakashiroalataruppishiinasokapon!

Things I like (including but not limited to) good food, cool cars that have been modded for performance, good books, nice leisurely speedy driving, sleep, and sustainable development.

Editor's Note: GaleWolf is lazy and didn't write his biography, so I'll give it a shot. GaleWolf, or "Queen of the Night," as he is alternately known, is a cross-dressing vampire Frankenstein of some sort. He is also a terrorist, I think. Not really. Pictured: GaleWolf uses his knowledge of scientific gauges and impressive-looking buttons to launch nuclear missiles at Antarctica. Not pictured: Laura Bush eating infant. Perhaps this deluge of libel will inspire him to write a bio!

Editor's Note: Zidane chose not to write a biography, so I'll write it for her. Zidane lives in Berkeley, CA, where she regularly eats babies to stay alive. Her hobbies include placing gypsy curses on people, murdering innocent doe-eyed toddlers and collecting their spinal cords, giving money to the "Church" of Scientology's Baby-Eating funds, and voting Republican. Hopefully this deluge of libel will encourage her to write her biography!

"I'm SLEEPING in your bed, asshole. And while I'm at it, I think I'll nurse myself. It's one of my strange little habits. Yeah, asshole, I'm a cat. Very observant."

Jesus buttfucking Christ. I'm Mog. I'm the mascot of Cats on Mars dot com. I was sent here from space to monitor you humans to make sure you don't discover our colony on Mars. Yes, I'm a fucking cat, idiot. I'm communicating to you through telepathy. I'm the shit. I know.

I'm also the mascot. How fucking patronizing. Making me the mascot... assholes. I suddenly feel a compulsion to search frantically for the tail I was born without. Seeya, suckers!

My one weakness is the toy mouse of destruction. Please don't throw that. NO! Goddammit. Now I have to go chase it.